Ahh, bless their hearts. "Rebuilding the American COMMUNITY - neighborhood <- by -> neighborhood."
So, I'm out installing a new storm/screen door on my house (the American dream in action) and this woman walks up, checks her list, and asks me if I'm me. Yep, I'm me alright. She says, "I'm from the Democrats." Uh oh! I'm caught. Busted, I think. She's a volunteer and is going door to door to remind me that the coming mid-terms are important. She's about 60 and is a true believer.
"Ahh, the Democrats" I say. "I've quit the party, ma'am," I tell her. I explain that I'm now officially unaffiliated with a political party. She looks at me, a black appearing man wearing a Mexican national team soccer jersey. "Mexico," she says. She then explains that "no matter how I vote" that the election is crucial (of course the Democrats give you the no-matter-how-you-vote routine...we're so affirming. No Republican worth his or her salt would ever concede that there was an option - your either with them or you kill babies). I assure her that I know this. She tells me, almost in confidence, "we really do have a message" and she hands me a door hanger with the messages on it. Here it is (annotated):
The Democratic Vision - a bold new direction for a secure America <-- Yawn! "Bold?" "New?" Same old shit! I had to turn the flyer over several times looking for the bold, new direction. Sorry, not there.
1) Honest Leadership & Open Government <-- Oh, okay, honest leadership, I get it, it's an attack on the Republican "culture of curruption" - boring, see Matt Taibbi's Rolling Stone magazine beautiful and personal attack on Tom DeLay ("300-odd pounds of pussy repelent"). That's "Bold and New" for Democrats - or, uh, maybe Taibbi's NOT a Democrat. [And, Stephen Colbert? Oh. My. Damn! - "The man is a fucking genius who will revolutionize not just comedy but politics." - RPW. ]Besides, what are the Dems gonna do, really? Open the government? Puh-leez. Okay, what's the president's launch codes? There's never been such thing as open government. This is not a real issue. Throwing lying, theiving, criminals out of office is a real campaign issue.
2) Real Security <-- "telling the truth" to our troops isn't necessarily "real security" since troops are generally the last to ever know the truth. Troops are killers. It's just best not to senslessly send them to folly wars under the guise of security. If the Dems want to protect Americans, outlaw handguns, thank you. Build quality public housing, invest in education, insist that American children are the best educated children (and understand evolution) - that's real security. Stop pollution. That's real secruity. Clean the water. Etc.
3) Energy Independence <-- Yawn #2! "cleaner and stronger America by reducing..." zzzzzzzzzzz. This is so hard for the Democrats. "Hey America! They're lying to you!" That's a message.
4) Ecomomic Prosperity & Educational Excellence <-- Okay, close. At least this hints that education can provide opportunities. But, "prosperity?" Too, chicken-in-every-pot old skool rhetoric. Okay, please tell me what THE PLAN is to accomplish this other than these week focus group words. Couple education, housing, and jobs into a comprehensive package that begins with paying teachers at least quadruple the current salaries and see what happens. Oh gee, I'm going to compete to become a teacher now because it PAYS so well. Son of a bitch, we've changed everything. Where's the money going to come from? Uh, stop blowing shit up on the other side of the planet.
5) A Healthcare System that Works for Everyone <-- Hillary almost blew Clinton's first term with this hot potato. Think it's gonna work this time? Hummm....maybe now is the time. This is a good starting point. Decouple employment from health insurance. Again, what's the plan? But, I'll give them one point for this bullet point; at least it's on the list. It's important. But, I subtract a point for putting it at #5 on the list. Behind three losers (1, 2, & 3). You think Joe and Sally Democrat is going to process anything after item #2? Think again, unless it's on a Blackberry or the TeeVee. Who's doing the branding for the Democrats? The Republicans? Oh, and it's item #5. Duh!
6) Retirement Security <-- I'm 40 and this matters given the shepherding to date of social security. I'm 40 and this is a BORING election topic. But, we have to pander to the old folks who vote. Let's keep scaring them so we don't really have to worry about their health; we'll frighten them to death. Or, bore 'em dead. Sigh!
"TOGETHER, AMERICA CAN DO BETTER" <-- THIS is the reason I quit the party. After five years of Bush II, THIS is all they can come up with?! WTF?! White collar war criminals are running MY America and all the opposition party can come up with is "we can do better." Duh, we can do better. A chicken, a stick, and my four year-old could do better. At least the stick wouldn't lie. They're kidding, right?
How 'bout:
"Hello America. We are the Democrats. We stand for throwing CRIMINALS out of office because they serve to better themselves and their friends. They don't care about you or like you, but need you to vote them in and fund their gluttony. They are criminals who stole an election, who LIED to all of us, and who started a WAR that is KILLING Americans and foreign MEN, WOMEN and CHILDREN, people who have done nothing to us or pose no threat. Oh, and the Supreme Court is skewed for the rest our most of our lives. Oops! Sure it all happened under our watchful eyes, but instead of saying something jackassinine like, "we can do better," which is INSULTING, we're going to say, "throw the bums out of office, prosecute the criminals, and let us begin to put the Constitution back together. Sure, we suck, but we dont' suck NEARLY as much as the Republicans. What have you got to lose?" And, "We're sorry we blew it for so long, but we've awakened from our collective comas."
And, this is the point. The Democrats completely rolled over and got mauled. It's been an embarassing and savage beat-down, ass kicking, sand-in-face humiliation. I'm not going to continue to support losers. I'd rather be a free agent because they've lost what smidgen of credibility they've ever had.
Here's a campaign slogan: Stop voting against your best interest. Wake up, read a book or something. We're sick of pandering to dumbasses. We are now the party of smart, beautiful people. <-- That'll change things.
I may not be smart. I may not run things. But, I'm not going to keep getting beat up by thugs.
Sunday
Friday
What? Huh? Duh!
Sounds at middlespace(dot)net
Duh!
This is the back catalog of sorts. The new stuff is to come.
Suckas!
Duh!
This is the back catalog of sorts. The new stuff is to come.
Suckas!
Wednesday
Banksy Sez
"The time of getting fame for your name on its own is over. Artwork that is only about wanting to be famous will never make you famous. Any fame is a by-product of making something that means something. You don't go to a restaurant and order a meal because you want to have a shit."
-Banksy/UK
Ask Ty...April 26
Q: Ty, I've been trying to think like the enemy to better understand the enemy – in order to best serve my country and protect our citizens, of course. It’s because I care and I just want to do something. Now, I've been trying to watch, to observe like the enemy would. How would I go about it? How would I take control of a country? To prevent it, of course. – SR, Ohio
Ty: SR, good question and an even better observation. First, it's not destruction you'd want, but control and access – an audience. Influence! The age-old battle for land and power has become virtual remote! No one measures distances anymore. Power is measured in bandwidth. This country is young, bloated, and unstable. It's far too fat, ready to pop, and the population is, for the most part, and as you’ve seen, composed of a herd of mindless followers. Whatever this all means.
If you were a clever enemy you'd first create a distraction, subterfuge. Throw a rock, break a window, and while everyone is looking in the direction you’ve pointed them toward, that's when you got ‘em. [“Those were really big rocks, lots of windows”].
If I were the enemy, while everyone was distracted, I wouldn't worry about blowing things up or shutting of the lights. While “they” were not looking I'd sneak up through the inside. The inside of your house, through the black window, through the wires. Once you control the black window and the wires, you control the nation.
If I was the enemy and was going to hijack something, it wouldn't be an airplane; it would be a TeeVee station. Better, a network. The most dangerous thing in this country is not unprotected ports or poor airline security. It's the nightly news. And, the very sensational, loud, and opinionated FOX TeeVee News is the most dangerous. Who needs poison when you have the power to brainwash masses? The enemy is very sneaky. Check Karl Rove’s RNC playbook. Them Republicans are sneaky.
Just a guess. – Ty
Ty: SR, good question and an even better observation. First, it's not destruction you'd want, but control and access – an audience. Influence! The age-old battle for land and power has become virtual remote! No one measures distances anymore. Power is measured in bandwidth. This country is young, bloated, and unstable. It's far too fat, ready to pop, and the population is, for the most part, and as you’ve seen, composed of a herd of mindless followers. Whatever this all means.
If you were a clever enemy you'd first create a distraction, subterfuge. Throw a rock, break a window, and while everyone is looking in the direction you’ve pointed them toward, that's when you got ‘em. [“Those were really big rocks, lots of windows”].
If I were the enemy, while everyone was distracted, I wouldn't worry about blowing things up or shutting of the lights. While “they” were not looking I'd sneak up through the inside. The inside of your house, through the black window, through the wires. Once you control the black window and the wires, you control the nation.
If I was the enemy and was going to hijack something, it wouldn't be an airplane; it would be a TeeVee station. Better, a network. The most dangerous thing in this country is not unprotected ports or poor airline security. It's the nightly news. And, the very sensational, loud, and opinionated FOX TeeVee News is the most dangerous. Who needs poison when you have the power to brainwash masses? The enemy is very sneaky. Check Karl Rove’s RNC playbook. Them Republicans are sneaky.
Just a guess. – Ty
A Simple Conversion
Did I mention that I’ve converted? A couple of weeks ago. I had been thinking about it for a while, actually. Then, maybe, through some inspiration from Gregg Easterbrook’s book, “The Progress Paradox” (and his “We’re All Going to Die” article), I kind of took the leap. And, having lunch with Easterbrook was illuminating in that he really is a peaceful man. This is a change that sure beats most of the older paradigms. Like I said, I was pretty much on the threshold of this change so it wasn’t too a huge leap.
At first people thought it was a joke. The conversion didn’t seem overly plausible to them, but what do they know? Then came the jokes: “Oh what cult did you join?” “Are you going to try to recruit me now?” Ha-ha-ha. But, I’m about 90% certain that I can do this (and want to do this).
I now expect the best and look on the bright side of things. I can forgive, I’m more grateful, and I believe that I can ignore a lot of the irritating noise that can really bog us down.
I’ve converted to optimism. Yep, I’m an optimist. Hear that? That’s me whistling.
At first people thought it was a joke. The conversion didn’t seem overly plausible to them, but what do they know? Then came the jokes: “Oh what cult did you join?” “Are you going to try to recruit me now?” Ha-ha-ha. But, I’m about 90% certain that I can do this (and want to do this).
I now expect the best and look on the bright side of things. I can forgive, I’m more grateful, and I believe that I can ignore a lot of the irritating noise that can really bog us down.
I’ve converted to optimism. Yep, I’m an optimist. Hear that? That’s me whistling.
Tuesday
Cell Phone Minutes
Cell Phone Minutes - a collective enterprise
[Warning: Not for kiddies or those with weak GI systems]
[Office Guy #2 enters elevator]
Office Guy #1: How about this rain?
Office Guy #2:Yeah.
#1: If it keeps up, I'm gonna build an ark.
#2: Tss.
[Short pause]
#1: They say it's gonna be like this until the middle of next month.
#2: Oh yeah.
#1: That's not right…must be global warming or something.
#2: Yeah…know what they say about March? It comes in like a...
#1: Comes in like a lion; goes out like a lamb.
#2: Ha! The lion must have ate the lamb.
#1: Or had more lions.
#2: Or, how 'bout this: maybe the lion fucked the lamb silly, all doggy style, or would that be lion-lamby style?
[Silence]
#2: Or, how 'bout this: maybe the lamb and the lion are in an elevator talking about the fucking weather like a couple of Simpletons and the lamb pulls out a switchblade and cut the lion's throat then just casually as the goddamn day is long got off on his office tower floor like nothing ever happened and left the lion bleeding on the floor for someone else to talk about the fucking weather with? How 'bout that? Ha-ha! That's fucking funny as hell!
#1 Uh, yeah. How 'bout the Raiders, huh? Problems with the quarterback…
#3: I took a shit this morning and didn't flush the toilet and took a shower and when I looked in the toilet after my shower my shit looked like a pussy so I fucked it. Just arched my back a whole lot and stuck my dick in the toilet and fucked it like mashed potatoes.
[Awkward silence]
#1: When you're fucking shit, do you have the same problem I have? How do you keep it from falling apart?
#2: Duct tape.
#1: Mashed potatoes too?
Office Guy #3: Yeah, duct tape.
[#1 exits elevator]
#3: Duh!
#2: He's never fucked a shit in his life.
#3: I know, but he will today, I wish I owned a duct tape store.
#2: Stupid shit fuckin' virgin...
#3: I didn't want to say this in front of him because I didn't want him to think I was weird, but I wasn't actually fucking shit. We'll, I was, but my girlfriend's aborted fetus was underneath the shit and she had forgotten to flush it before she took her shower. So I was fucking a dead fetus THROUGH shit.
#2: That's what I figured.
[Pause]
#2: How many minutes do you get on your calling plan?
[Exit elevator]
#3: Oh, I get 500 minutes plus a free phone every two years. I got this bitchin’ camera and video phone. Wanna see a phone-video of me fucking a dead fetus through shit?
[Pause]
#2: Uh, sure, what the hell...
[End]
Office Guy #1: How about this rain?
Office Guy #2:Yeah.
#1: If it keeps up, I'm gonna build an ark.
#2: Tss.
[Short pause]
#1: They say it's gonna be like this until the middle of next month.
#2: Oh yeah.
#1: That's not right…must be global warming or something.
#2: Yeah…know what they say about March? It comes in like a...
#1: Comes in like a lion; goes out like a lamb.
#2: Ha! The lion must have ate the lamb.
#1: Or had more lions.
#2: Or, how 'bout this: maybe the lion fucked the lamb silly, all doggy style, or would that be lion-lamby style?
[Silence]
#2: Or, how 'bout this: maybe the lamb and the lion are in an elevator talking about the fucking weather like a couple of Simpletons and the lamb pulls out a switchblade and cut the lion's throat then just casually as the goddamn day is long got off on his office tower floor like nothing ever happened and left the lion bleeding on the floor for someone else to talk about the fucking weather with? How 'bout that? Ha-ha! That's fucking funny as hell!
#1 Uh, yeah. How 'bout the Raiders, huh? Problems with the quarterback…
#3: I took a shit this morning and didn't flush the toilet and took a shower and when I looked in the toilet after my shower my shit looked like a pussy so I fucked it. Just arched my back a whole lot and stuck my dick in the toilet and fucked it like mashed potatoes.
[Awkward silence]
#1: When you're fucking shit, do you have the same problem I have? How do you keep it from falling apart?
#2: Duct tape.
#1: Mashed potatoes too?
Office Guy #3: Yeah, duct tape.
[#1 exits elevator]
#3: Duh!
#2: He's never fucked a shit in his life.
#3: I know, but he will today, I wish I owned a duct tape store.
#2: Stupid shit fuckin' virgin...
#3: I didn't want to say this in front of him because I didn't want him to think I was weird, but I wasn't actually fucking shit. We'll, I was, but my girlfriend's aborted fetus was underneath the shit and she had forgotten to flush it before she took her shower. So I was fucking a dead fetus THROUGH shit.
#2: That's what I figured.
[Pause]
#2: How many minutes do you get on your calling plan?
[Exit elevator]
#3: Oh, I get 500 minutes plus a free phone every two years. I got this bitchin’ camera and video phone. Wanna see a phone-video of me fucking a dead fetus through shit?
[Pause]
#2: Uh, sure, what the hell...
[End]
Ask Ty...April 25
Q: Ty, with the world being such a messed up place, what could I do to make it better, especially for the children? - NS, Arkansas
Ty: NS, good question and an even better observation. I tried to give this much thought and remembered that I received this email a few days ago. It's an interesting new project that's sure to have much international impact. And I quote:
Just a guess. - Ty
Ty: NS, good question and an even better observation. I tried to give this much thought and remembered that I received this email a few days ago. It's an interesting new project that's sure to have much international impact. And I quote:
A Plan for World Peace and International UnderstandingI would have never thought of this and, at first, I thought this was the work of a quack (or "spammer"), but then I thought, what could possibly go wrong? If you want to get involved or have comments/questions, drop me a line. There’s nothing wrong with trying, right?
Because of all the hate and misunderstanding in the world today, I've decided to start a program to promote peace and understanding. I call it "Children's Pictures of Mohammed."
I will have school children (our country's most precious natural resources, God bless ‘em!) draw pictures of the prophet Mohammed and send them to schoolchildren in Iraq and Afghanistan. I will ask the children to draw Mohammed engaging in nice things, like playing soccer with Jesus or holding hands with Uncle Sam. I will edit out the pictures of Mohammed killing people or making babies cry. Children can draw Mohammed volunteering to pick up trash on Earth Day, giving flowers to George Washington, or reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. You know, things that will promote World Peace and International Understanding. Then I will send them to Iraq and Afghanistan to let the children there know that not all Americans are insensitive buffoons.
Just a guess. - Ty
Monday
Well, Sorry
I think it is my favorite phrase; the classic non-apology apology. It's the famous:
"Sorry if I offended anyone."
Because if I didn't offend some of you, then, hell, I actually meant that shit.
I don't need to cite examples because it's become a dime a dozen. We've all heard it and most of us have reacted the same way from time to time..."boy, that wasn't much a an apology." It's designed to tell those in the club that "I really meant it" but I'm saving my ass by offering a pseudo-apology. Hey, if I offended you (and only then), then (and only then) am I sorry (only if I offended you) *Wink-wink* my boyz know what I meant.
So, drop dead and go to hell - and gee, I'm really sorry if (and only if) I offended anyone.
"Sorry if I offended anyone."
Because if I didn't offend some of you, then, hell, I actually meant that shit.
I don't need to cite examples because it's become a dime a dozen. We've all heard it and most of us have reacted the same way from time to time..."boy, that wasn't much a an apology." It's designed to tell those in the club that "I really meant it" but I'm saving my ass by offering a pseudo-apology. Hey, if I offended you (and only then), then (and only then) am I sorry (only if I offended you) *Wink-wink* my boyz know what I meant.
So, drop dead and go to hell - and gee, I'm really sorry if (and only if) I offended anyone.
Saturday
Ask Ty...April 22 (#3)
Q: Ty, could you tell me what my [penis] smells like? - DW, Florida
Ty: DW, good question and an even better observation. I'm guessing you sense that not only does your wang have an odor, but that that might mean that there is something wrong with the old boy. A urologist could help. And, if you don't have health insurance...well, I guess it wasn't such a good idea to vote for Nader in 2000.
I have no idea what your thing smells like, but I'm guessing it probably doesn't smell too good.
Just a guess. - Ty
Ty: DW, good question and an even better observation. I'm guessing you sense that not only does your wang have an odor, but that that might mean that there is something wrong with the old boy. A urologist could help. And, if you don't have health insurance...well, I guess it wasn't such a good idea to vote for Nader in 2000.
I have no idea what your thing smells like, but I'm guessing it probably doesn't smell too good.
Just a guess. - Ty
Ask Ty...April 22 (#2)
Q: Ty, when you fill a ceramic mug with tea, and you put a spoon in it, and tap the spoon against the bottom of the mug, the pitch of the taps rises. If you stir the tea, the pitch goes down again. How come? (and I’m sure I’m using the word pitch here in the wrong way) - SM, California
Ty: SM, good question and an even better observation. You raise a good point. Pot smoking does make you want a good tea, now doesn’t it? Oh, and by the way, stoner, if you’re high enough, peanut butter goes great with EVERYthing.
What’s next with you, ‘what part of the chicken is the nugget?’ Tell you what, buzzard; next time I’m doing the wacky weed, I’ll try to remember to deconstruct the tea too.
Okay, pitch and stirring. I do believe that you are using “pitch” correctly - the property of sound that varies with variation in the frequency of vibration. But, how could stirring the liquid affect pitch? Are you adding milk or cream (or soy, like you stoner hippies are so healthy) whilst stirring? Are you certain you’re tapping at the same place (I think pitch would differ slightly along the side of the mug)?
Oh, maybe this is it: when you are tapping in calm tea the pitch is true and clear. But, when you stir, you are dampening the vibration’s opportunity to quickly and efficiently escape the ceramic mug (or “bong,” in your case) thus bending/slowing slightly. Slower vibrations are lower vibrations (as I’ve always said). I’m sticking with that.
Okay, back to your Twinkie (tm) binge, buzzy.
Just a guess. - Ty
Ty: SM, good question and an even better observation. You raise a good point. Pot smoking does make you want a good tea, now doesn’t it? Oh, and by the way, stoner, if you’re high enough, peanut butter goes great with EVERYthing.
What’s next with you, ‘what part of the chicken is the nugget?’ Tell you what, buzzard; next time I’m doing the wacky weed, I’ll try to remember to deconstruct the tea too.
Okay, pitch and stirring. I do believe that you are using “pitch” correctly - the property of sound that varies with variation in the frequency of vibration. But, how could stirring the liquid affect pitch? Are you adding milk or cream (or soy, like you stoner hippies are so healthy) whilst stirring? Are you certain you’re tapping at the same place (I think pitch would differ slightly along the side of the mug)?
Oh, maybe this is it: when you are tapping in calm tea the pitch is true and clear. But, when you stir, you are dampening the vibration’s opportunity to quickly and efficiently escape the ceramic mug (or “bong,” in your case) thus bending/slowing slightly. Slower vibrations are lower vibrations (as I’ve always said). I’m sticking with that.
Okay, back to your Twinkie (tm) binge, buzzy.
Just a guess. - Ty
Ask Ty...April 22 (#1)
Q: Ty, why do men have nipples? - SM, California
Ty: SM, good question and an even better observation. There are four good reasons men have nipples, actually.
1) Men have nipples because it’s just kind of funny. Long ago, God, Buddha, Mohammad, a stick, and Krishna went on a fishing trip (Jesus had chicken pox and had to stay home). They were dissecting old episodes of “Gunsmoke” when God mentioned that he was thinking of making a man and a woman. He described woman first and all were impressed, especially Krishna. “Boobs!” Buddha exclaimed (the stick just sat there), “That’s just mad genius! Everyone will like them. They’ll be almost as popular as McDonald’s French fries! Plus they’re practical and just plain fun.” Then God took another sip of his Bud (tm) tallboy and called everyone in close. “Listen,” he said. “I’m gonna pull a pretty major prank and I’m hoping you all want to play along.” All listened raptly. “I’m planning to put nipples on the man too.” After a long silence, the crew nearly simultaneous burst into histrionics (except the stick just sat there waiting for someone to worship him). Nipples on a man; that shit’s just funny.
2) Man nipples are useful if a dude decides to become a woman. So, if he decides to get the hormone treatment, he can grow “real look” boobs and not have to fork for artificial nipples. And, if you’re Filipino, you don’t have to spring for laser hair removal either.
3) It gives men something else to pierce. And, an excuse to shed their shirts when co-workers notice bloodstains on buttondowns.
Office monkey #1: “Dude, what’s that on your shirt, is that blood?”
Office monkey #2: “Oh, I just got my (man) nipples pierced this weekend. Wanna see?”
Office monkey #1: “Uh, yeah!”
Office monkey #3: “What the hell are you doing?!”
Office monkey #1: “Brock got his nipples pierced!”
Office monkey #3: “Kewl! I got mine done last year. Wanna see?”
Office monkey #1 & 2 (in unison): “Yeah-heah!”
4) If men didn’t have nipples, it would decrease by one the number of seventh grade torture techniques available. Without the “titty twister” guys would still be doing “got your nose” throughout junior high.
As a bonus, yes, men do have serious “nipple envy.”
Just a guess. - Ty
Ty: SM, good question and an even better observation. There are four good reasons men have nipples, actually.
1) Men have nipples because it’s just kind of funny. Long ago, God, Buddha, Mohammad, a stick, and Krishna went on a fishing trip (Jesus had chicken pox and had to stay home). They were dissecting old episodes of “Gunsmoke” when God mentioned that he was thinking of making a man and a woman. He described woman first and all were impressed, especially Krishna. “Boobs!” Buddha exclaimed (the stick just sat there), “That’s just mad genius! Everyone will like them. They’ll be almost as popular as McDonald’s French fries! Plus they’re practical and just plain fun.” Then God took another sip of his Bud (tm) tallboy and called everyone in close. “Listen,” he said. “I’m gonna pull a pretty major prank and I’m hoping you all want to play along.” All listened raptly. “I’m planning to put nipples on the man too.” After a long silence, the crew nearly simultaneous burst into histrionics (except the stick just sat there waiting for someone to worship him). Nipples on a man; that shit’s just funny.
2) Man nipples are useful if a dude decides to become a woman. So, if he decides to get the hormone treatment, he can grow “real look” boobs and not have to fork for artificial nipples. And, if you’re Filipino, you don’t have to spring for laser hair removal either.
3) It gives men something else to pierce. And, an excuse to shed their shirts when co-workers notice bloodstains on buttondowns.
Office monkey #1: “Dude, what’s that on your shirt, is that blood?”
Office monkey #2: “Oh, I just got my (man) nipples pierced this weekend. Wanna see?”
Office monkey #1: “Uh, yeah!”
Office monkey #3: “What the hell are you doing?!”
Office monkey #1: “Brock got his nipples pierced!”
Office monkey #3: “Kewl! I got mine done last year. Wanna see?”
Office monkey #1 & 2 (in unison): “Yeah-heah!”
4) If men didn’t have nipples, it would decrease by one the number of seventh grade torture techniques available. Without the “titty twister” guys would still be doing “got your nose” throughout junior high.
As a bonus, yes, men do have serious “nipple envy.”
Just a guess. - Ty
Friday
It's Official
Yep, I'm pregnant! Oh, wait, I'm not pregnant. I thought that was funny, but if you think about it, I kind of am. I am pregnant with album. I'm incubating a new record. The creative parasite is suckling from within and kicking to get out.
Yes. I can with a high degree of confidence announce that I am in pre-production for a new album. [It's a unique blend of rockabilly and shoe gazer that makes for a sound all my own].
Tentatively titled, "Sticker Release Party," I don't know when it will be finished.
That's all - I figure if I write it, maybe I'll believe it. If I believe it...maybe I'll do it.
Something like that.
Yes. I can with a high degree of confidence announce that I am in pre-production for a new album. [It's a unique blend of rockabilly and shoe gazer that makes for a sound all my own].
Tentatively titled, "Sticker Release Party," I don't know when it will be finished.
That's all - I figure if I write it, maybe I'll believe it. If I believe it...maybe I'll do it.
Something like that.
Ask Ty…April 21
Q: Ty, why are there so many Filipino trannies? - OP, California
Ty: OP, good question and an even better observation. I mean, obviously, there really are a hell of a lot of Filipino transvestites, ladyboys, and shemales, aren’t there? The quick answer is, and I’m guessing, poverty, imperialism, and hairlessness.
Firstly, there’s not a whole lot of historic wealth throughout the 7,100 island archipelago between the South China Sea and the Pacific Ocean. And, we’re talking about a race who were in a land invaded by the Spaniards, Japanese, and Americans. All freaks, right? Okay, the Spaniards are mild compared to the Americans. And, while Americans gladly make bitches of many a people, the Japanese, by comparison, are a full-on freak show and pay a lot better than the Americans. So, naturally, there was adequate funding and demand. That is, in part, the importation of horny Americans, Japanese, and, to a small degree Spaniards, combined with inconsistent indignant power, and loads of liquor and whorin’ cash helped to open the Philippines to quick kink acceptance.
And Filipinos are naturally quite hairless. Not really a hirsute member of the tribe. Freaks worldwide like nothing more than a smooth, cute, tiny, Asian-looking, tranny. Like I said, there is adequate funding and demand – and little razor stubble.
But, I believe that Thailand has the Philippines beat for transgender culture. Perhaps it’s the acceptance of the Buddhist culture (although the Muslims are gaining power), but Thais seem to be the world capital of ladyboys, and, in particular, Kathoey.
In Thailand, unlike in most countries, transgended people can be seen in everyday day jobs in shops, salons, coffee bars, and restaurants. Some kathoey are valued beauticians and hair stylists.
Just a guess. - Ty
Ty: OP, good question and an even better observation. I mean, obviously, there really are a hell of a lot of Filipino transvestites, ladyboys, and shemales, aren’t there? The quick answer is, and I’m guessing, poverty, imperialism, and hairlessness.
Firstly, there’s not a whole lot of historic wealth throughout the 7,100 island archipelago between the South China Sea and the Pacific Ocean. And, we’re talking about a race who were in a land invaded by the Spaniards, Japanese, and Americans. All freaks, right? Okay, the Spaniards are mild compared to the Americans. And, while Americans gladly make bitches of many a people, the Japanese, by comparison, are a full-on freak show and pay a lot better than the Americans. So, naturally, there was adequate funding and demand. That is, in part, the importation of horny Americans, Japanese, and, to a small degree Spaniards, combined with inconsistent indignant power, and loads of liquor and whorin’ cash helped to open the Philippines to quick kink acceptance.
And Filipinos are naturally quite hairless. Not really a hirsute member of the tribe. Freaks worldwide like nothing more than a smooth, cute, tiny, Asian-looking, tranny. Like I said, there is adequate funding and demand – and little razor stubble.
But, I believe that Thailand has the Philippines beat for transgender culture. Perhaps it’s the acceptance of the Buddhist culture (although the Muslims are gaining power), but Thais seem to be the world capital of ladyboys, and, in particular, Kathoey.
In Thailand, unlike in most countries, transgended people can be seen in everyday day jobs in shops, salons, coffee bars, and restaurants. Some kathoey are valued beauticians and hair stylists.
Just a guess. - Ty
Thursday
Wednesday
EEEeeerrrrrgggghhh! – thwack! – tumble-tumble
“Thwack,” I’ve discovered is the sound of a bus running over a pedestrian (in a crosswalk, but that doesn’t change the pitch, it’s just notable). I’ve always imagined it to be more of a “thunk” or “thud” sound, but it’s definitely “thwack” for sure. I heard it myself.
Maybe it was that huge steel bike rack on the front of the bus that raises the pitch of the impact. Maybe if she had only hit the bumper and the sheet metal of the front of the bus it would have been more thud-like. Of course the windshield, headlamps, and wipers would have brought the pitch up a bit. So, thwack it is, I suppose. Maybe she hit face or head first. I was too far away to know.
I suppose it was fortunate for the pedestrian that at some last-moment the bus braked, else she’d certainly be dead now. And, boy, what a racket that is; a bus in emergency brake mode. Yikes! I’m sure this deadened the force of the, what, 34,000 pounds of bus on, say, 120 pounds (max) of lady (I checked the weight of the bus because I was curious about how much a city bus weighs – I’m only guessing the weight of the lady).
It’s like all EEEeeerrrrrgggghhh! – thwack! – tumble-tumble. Oh, yeah, even from fifty yards you can hear the tumbling of woman-on-asphalt in afternoon traffic. That really surprised me. It might even be possible that I felt the tumbling as vibration – maybe not. Maybe it was some sort of bystander shock, but it appeared to get spookily quiet afterwards.
It is interesting in retrospect, since the only sound that ceased was that cited above and maybe some conversations. I do remember saying in mid-sentence of a conversation with my walking companion, “whoa!” This was a reflexive exclamation; I didn’t choose to say, “whoa!” I’m glad it wasn’t something like, “fuck!” or “mama!” But, now I know what my brain and body chooses to say when a bus runs over a woman – it’s “whoa!” Now I know. I don’t remember what my friend said, it was one of those moments that processing gets focused on the drama.
Cavalier? I sound inconsiderate? No. It was horrible enough. I guess it I had seen it more directly it might have made a different impression. I weighed if I should run over and offer services (I’m a “safety guy” sort), but I noted that others were already making their way over. And, the lady was flapping her arm in disbelief. I’m sure she was saying something like, “I just got hit by a bus!” or “The clock is half red” if she was disoriented or something.
But I saw the event unfold peripherally, at about two-o’clock, right eye. Bus turning left, coming my direction (I’m on pedestrian bridge – so I don’t get hit by busses), bus stopping mid intersection, tumble-tumble. Oh, yeah, I processed the tumbling before I heard the thwack. Speed of light always beats speed of sound (don’t bet on sound in this race, kiddies, it’s a sucker bet). So, as I turned my head to see why someone was silly tumbling in front of a bus, I heard the thwack. Interesting.
Oh, I’m guessing the woman will be okay. I’m sure as I type she’s sore as hell (physically and disposition), but she’ll survive. Me? I wasn’t in any position to offer witness testimony for either the defendant or the prosecution. But, it was kind of awesome anyhow…in a "holy cow" kind of way.
---------------------------
Follow-up from Massachusetts:
"This reminds me of an event couple decades ago that I witnessed, a car hitting a small dog. I was walking or driving a across the street heading toward a subway station, under a highway overpass, lots of movement and shadow and buses, cars, people, objects, and I saw this dog cross the street in front of a car, get hit, flip up in the air, rollover, the whole thing -- and it all seemed as though time slowed, every movement, the impact, the slip, the roll, I could replay, frame by frame. Strange. I can still see it now. The dog, by the way, got up and scampered off."
-DVE
Maybe it was that huge steel bike rack on the front of the bus that raises the pitch of the impact. Maybe if she had only hit the bumper and the sheet metal of the front of the bus it would have been more thud-like. Of course the windshield, headlamps, and wipers would have brought the pitch up a bit. So, thwack it is, I suppose. Maybe she hit face or head first. I was too far away to know.
I suppose it was fortunate for the pedestrian that at some last-moment the bus braked, else she’d certainly be dead now. And, boy, what a racket that is; a bus in emergency brake mode. Yikes! I’m sure this deadened the force of the, what, 34,000 pounds of bus on, say, 120 pounds (max) of lady (I checked the weight of the bus because I was curious about how much a city bus weighs – I’m only guessing the weight of the lady).
It’s like all EEEeeerrrrrgggghhh! – thwack! – tumble-tumble. Oh, yeah, even from fifty yards you can hear the tumbling of woman-on-asphalt in afternoon traffic. That really surprised me. It might even be possible that I felt the tumbling as vibration – maybe not. Maybe it was some sort of bystander shock, but it appeared to get spookily quiet afterwards.
It is interesting in retrospect, since the only sound that ceased was that cited above and maybe some conversations. I do remember saying in mid-sentence of a conversation with my walking companion, “whoa!” This was a reflexive exclamation; I didn’t choose to say, “whoa!” I’m glad it wasn’t something like, “fuck!” or “mama!” But, now I know what my brain and body chooses to say when a bus runs over a woman – it’s “whoa!” Now I know. I don’t remember what my friend said, it was one of those moments that processing gets focused on the drama.
Cavalier? I sound inconsiderate? No. It was horrible enough. I guess it I had seen it more directly it might have made a different impression. I weighed if I should run over and offer services (I’m a “safety guy” sort), but I noted that others were already making their way over. And, the lady was flapping her arm in disbelief. I’m sure she was saying something like, “I just got hit by a bus!” or “The clock is half red” if she was disoriented or something.
But I saw the event unfold peripherally, at about two-o’clock, right eye. Bus turning left, coming my direction (I’m on pedestrian bridge – so I don’t get hit by busses), bus stopping mid intersection, tumble-tumble. Oh, yeah, I processed the tumbling before I heard the thwack. Speed of light always beats speed of sound (don’t bet on sound in this race, kiddies, it’s a sucker bet). So, as I turned my head to see why someone was silly tumbling in front of a bus, I heard the thwack. Interesting.
Oh, I’m guessing the woman will be okay. I’m sure as I type she’s sore as hell (physically and disposition), but she’ll survive. Me? I wasn’t in any position to offer witness testimony for either the defendant or the prosecution. But, it was kind of awesome anyhow…in a "holy cow" kind of way.
---------------------------
Follow-up from Massachusetts:
"This reminds me of an event couple decades ago that I witnessed, a car hitting a small dog. I was walking or driving a across the street heading toward a subway station, under a highway overpass, lots of movement and shadow and buses, cars, people, objects, and I saw this dog cross the street in front of a car, get hit, flip up in the air, rollover, the whole thing -- and it all seemed as though time slowed, every movement, the impact, the slip, the roll, I could replay, frame by frame. Strange. I can still see it now. The dog, by the way, got up and scampered off."
-DVE
Tuesday
Apologies to White Stripes
How could I have been so wrong?
When The White Stripes first hit my radar, I completely devalued the entire enterprise as “gimmick.” What, with the red, white, and black thing, the man–woman duo thing, and the we’re siblings no we’re married no we’re neither thing. Of course, the only music I had heard upon judgment was “Seven Nation Army” on the radio. Right? Hooky, different, but not in balance with the hype.
It’s only been in the past few months that I realized that I was so very wrong. Uh, they rock. The music rocks. The act is killer. I know act and I know music. I get it. But, in this case, I arrived late. Wrong. I was.
My chronology of discovery is as follows:
- “Seven Nation Army” on the radio, peripherally – 2003
- “Jolene” on the internet – 2005
- “My Doorbell” download – 2005
- “Get Behind Me Satan” – late 2005
- “White Blood Cells” – early 2006
- “Elephant” – April 2006
- Now, rarities and live downloads
Recent. Late. Wrong. And, I haven’t even gone back into the back catalogue to completely understand why they sound the way they do. I haven’t even scratched the surface. Yet, I misjudged.
The popularity kept me distant, but I now hear not only the hooks and angst, but also the performance and studio technique; and I not only appreciate it, but I respect it. Good for me.
Well, enough of that. Time to make records.
When The White Stripes first hit my radar, I completely devalued the entire enterprise as “gimmick.” What, with the red, white, and black thing, the man–woman duo thing, and the we’re siblings no we’re married no we’re neither thing. Of course, the only music I had heard upon judgment was “Seven Nation Army” on the radio. Right? Hooky, different, but not in balance with the hype.
It’s only been in the past few months that I realized that I was so very wrong. Uh, they rock. The music rocks. The act is killer. I know act and I know music. I get it. But, in this case, I arrived late. Wrong. I was.
My chronology of discovery is as follows:
- “Seven Nation Army” on the radio, peripherally – 2003
- “Jolene” on the internet – 2005
- “My Doorbell” download – 2005
- “Get Behind Me Satan” – late 2005
- “White Blood Cells” – early 2006
- “Elephant” – April 2006
- Now, rarities and live downloads
Recent. Late. Wrong. And, I haven’t even gone back into the back catalogue to completely understand why they sound the way they do. I haven’t even scratched the surface. Yet, I misjudged.
The popularity kept me distant, but I now hear not only the hooks and angst, but also the performance and studio technique; and I not only appreciate it, but I respect it. Good for me.
Well, enough of that. Time to make records.
Sunday
"Moon" In the Style of Hiroshi Sugimoto
[this image has appeared before but not with the Hiroshi Sugimoto note - FYI]
Friday
Ty Dictionary - New Entry
Jackasinine - (adj) [jack-ASS-eh-nine]
1) Stupid person doing stupid things (jackasses doing asinine things).
2) Situation so obviously stupid approaches unbelievable (jackasses doing asinine things).
Usage:
"Dude, Bobby forgot to bring Whitney batteries again. I mean doesn't he get it? He's so totally jackasinine. She's going to give him so much shit for only selling 20 million records again. Duh!"
"And how jackasinine was it for Ty to bring that huge bag of McDonalds cheeseburgers to the vegan dinner. Retard!"
1) Stupid person doing stupid things (jackasses doing asinine things).
2) Situation so obviously stupid approaches unbelievable (jackasses doing asinine things).
Usage:
"Dude, Bobby forgot to bring Whitney batteries again. I mean doesn't he get it? He's so totally jackasinine. She's going to give him so much shit for only selling 20 million records again. Duh!"
"And how jackasinine was it for Ty to bring that huge bag of McDonalds cheeseburgers to the vegan dinner. Retard!"
More - "Just One Minute" - Inspirational Posters
"The new line just got back from the printers!
Very inspirational!"
-RPW
Very inspirational!"
-RPW
Thursday
"Just One Minute" - Inspirational Posters
"This is my new line of inspirational posters to brighten up your cubicle and help you make it through the week!"
-RPW
-RPW
Wednesday
My Life In the Bush of Ghosts
My Life In The Bush Of Ghosts
"...we came to realize that high fidelity was a vastly overrated convention that no one had bothered to question..."
-David Byrne & Brian Eno, 2005
duh
"...we came to realize that high fidelity was a vastly overrated convention that no one had bothered to question..."
-David Byrne & Brian Eno, 2005
duh
Tuesday
Of Reason & Revelation (in three parts)
I.
Fire and brimstone rantings
Versus, or in conjunction with,
Random assignment and control groupings
We place our hopes; our dreams
In the hands of pitch people
Shilling eternal life
When this existence is already
(A living (hell) on earth)
So, uh, what gives there?
Simply put: I cannot accept
Determination by man or by faith
I do not pick your cotton
Do not – please – pick my destiny
Sure, there are varying
Degrees of “knack for happiness”
And diversity in nuance and tone
We are all tourists here
II.
When the curiosity wanes
There will be nothing left of the brain
When the instinct fades
There will be nothing left of the body
III.
Authenticity
As means of voracity
My capacity
Fire and brimstone rantings
Versus, or in conjunction with,
Random assignment and control groupings
We place our hopes; our dreams
In the hands of pitch people
Shilling eternal life
When this existence is already
(A living (hell) on earth)
So, uh, what gives there?
Simply put: I cannot accept
Determination by man or by faith
I do not pick your cotton
Do not – please – pick my destiny
Sure, there are varying
Degrees of “knack for happiness”
And diversity in nuance and tone
We are all tourists here
II.
When the curiosity wanes
There will be nothing left of the brain
When the instinct fades
There will be nothing left of the body
III.
Authenticity
As means of voracity
My capacity
Monday
Can You Keep Secrets?
I.
So here we are
Living our life-enhancing experiences
Because of our particular fears of
Sinking into apathy
Reflecting on our short, short lives
And collective myths of false paradises
Finding spaces in the middle of spectrums
Between building for those I love
And terrorizing them into submission
By art or accident
Split between art and life
Constant reminders of successes and failures
Of things to come
And of things left behind
The timeliness of creation
Our rewards upon our return
From hell personal and collective
Is truth revealed and truth yet concealed
But without malice, greed, or impishness
Come mock the great
Burn the clutter
Wait patiently but intensely
Even if for an entire lifetime
It is my job – my occupation – my passion
The sum of all training and preparation
To be able to see through the knots
Yours, theirs, mine
---------------------------------------
II.
Here the kids have honed some of the most
Severe fashion and severe hair
And eyeglasses advertising instant credibility
So committed to scene and moment
Everyone is (their own) royalty here
Nothing is left to chance – I know!
From socks to tattoos ironic
Or topics for disdain or debate
There is certain affect in common
But little overly expressed excitement
Vintage as the newest of the new
Hiding in plain view
As secret as clouds or hunger
The hardest core of post-hip authenticity
So here we are
Living our life-enhancing experiences
Because of our particular fears of
Sinking into apathy
Reflecting on our short, short lives
And collective myths of false paradises
Finding spaces in the middle of spectrums
Between building for those I love
And terrorizing them into submission
By art or accident
Split between art and life
Constant reminders of successes and failures
Of things to come
And of things left behind
The timeliness of creation
Our rewards upon our return
From hell personal and collective
Is truth revealed and truth yet concealed
But without malice, greed, or impishness
Come mock the great
Burn the clutter
Wait patiently but intensely
Even if for an entire lifetime
It is my job – my occupation – my passion
The sum of all training and preparation
To be able to see through the knots
Yours, theirs, mine
---------------------------------------
II.
Here the kids have honed some of the most
Severe fashion and severe hair
And eyeglasses advertising instant credibility
So committed to scene and moment
Everyone is (their own) royalty here
Nothing is left to chance – I know!
From socks to tattoos ironic
Or topics for disdain or debate
There is certain affect in common
But little overly expressed excitement
Vintage as the newest of the new
Hiding in plain view
As secret as clouds or hunger
The hardest core of post-hip authenticity
Saturday
Thursday
Non Sequitur Email Project
Alright, people. This is my not my project, but it's good.
Send entries to: admin@middlespace.net and I will forward.
I want you to send an except from an email that when taken out of context makes very little sense.
The only rules are that the clips should include at least one full consecutive exchange (two people, at least one comment each, in back-to-back banter), and when put back into context should make at least some sense (only edits are to what precedes and follows the two excerpts).
For example:
Emailer A: "Originally there was more - I deleted the last twelve photos where the pier falls into the water and then the downtown area falls into the water and the vanful of hydrolologists. "
Emailer B: "Is that the one where the artist carrying all the Van Gogh's falls in the water and the world becomes so despondent at the loss of these Van Gogh's that people stop buying artwork and so they have to convert all the paintings in the world into useful things like kindling and toilet paper? I got that email too. That was funny. You do not need to identify who the emailers are. "
Send entries to: admin@middlespace.net and I will forward.
Send entries to: admin@middlespace.net and I will forward.
I want you to send an except from an email that when taken out of context makes very little sense.
The only rules are that the clips should include at least one full consecutive exchange (two people, at least one comment each, in back-to-back banter), and when put back into context should make at least some sense (only edits are to what precedes and follows the two excerpts).
For example:
Emailer A: "Originally there was more - I deleted the last twelve photos where the pier falls into the water and then the downtown area falls into the water and the vanful of hydrolologists. "
Emailer B: "Is that the one where the artist carrying all the Van Gogh's falls in the water and the world becomes so despondent at the loss of these Van Gogh's that people stop buying artwork and so they have to convert all the paintings in the world into useful things like kindling and toilet paper? I got that email too. That was funny. You do not need to identify who the emailers are. "
Send entries to: admin@middlespace.net and I will forward.
Wednesday
KT from Shell
"We're too young to know better," Kristi Toliver had said entering this national championship game, and she was right.
Too young to know that a freshman point guard isn't supposed to hit a brilliant step-back three-pointer with 6.1 seconds left to force overtime -- and do it against Duke's massive 6-foot-7 center Alison Bales.
Toliver's dash up court, her patient, probing drive around two screens and her ice-water shot over the leaping Bales to tie the game were the stuff of NCAA Tournament highlight reels. If you missed it, tune in next year. All of Maryland's significant players will be back.
[ESPN, Salon, & WashPost]
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