Ask Ty...April 22 (#1)

Q: Ty, why do men have nipples? - SM, California

Ty: SM, good question and an even better observation. There are four good reasons men have nipples, actually.

1) Men have nipples because it’s just kind of funny. Long ago, God, Buddha, Mohammad, a stick, and Krishna went on a fishing trip (Jesus had chicken pox and had to stay home). They were dissecting old episodes of “Gunsmoke” when God mentioned that he was thinking of making a man and a woman. He described woman first and all were impressed, especially Krishna. “Boobs!” Buddha exclaimed (the stick just sat there), “That’s just mad genius! Everyone will like them. They’ll be almost as popular as McDonald’s French fries! Plus they’re practical and just plain fun.” Then God took another sip of his Bud (tm) tallboy and called everyone in close. “Listen,” he said. “I’m gonna pull a pretty major prank and I’m hoping you all want to play along.” All listened raptly. “I’m planning to put nipples on the man too.” After a long silence, the crew nearly simultaneous burst into histrionics (except the stick just sat there waiting for someone to worship him). Nipples on a man; that shit’s just funny.

2) Man nipples are useful if a dude decides to become a woman. So, if he decides to get the hormone treatment, he can grow “real look” boobs and not have to fork for artificial nipples. And, if you’re Filipino, you don’t have to spring for laser hair removal either.

3) It gives men something else to pierce. And, an excuse to shed their shirts when co-workers notice bloodstains on buttondowns.

Office monkey #1: “Dude, what’s that on your shirt, is that blood?”
Office monkey #2: “Oh, I just got my (man) nipples pierced this weekend. Wanna see?”
Office monkey #1: “Uh, yeah!”
Office monkey #3: “What the hell are you doing?!”
Office monkey #1: “Brock got his nipples pierced!”
Office monkey #3: “Kewl! I got mine done last year. Wanna see?”
Office monkey #1 & 2 (in unison): “Yeah-heah!”

4) If men didn’t have nipples, it would decrease by one the number of seventh grade torture techniques available. Without the “titty twister” guys would still be doing “got your nose” throughout junior high.

As a bonus, yes, men do have serious “nipple envy.”

Just a guess. - Ty