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“All you gotta do is act black. Act black and be yourself.”
"That Crutchfield knows nothing about Houston hip-hop is the key: Shield the man to protect him, because his ignorance is imperative; almost precious. Crutchfield is sort of a cross between Mr. Rogers and Steven Colbert, a straight-faced crooked arrow. No question is too inane, no answer is too stupid and the way in which he intently absorbs every single word dripping off of every single lip fully trumps his lack of knowledge about his voting public, often culminating in him giving a quick twitch of his head, a furrow of his brow and the line "that is amazing" in response to every story told to him."
"My iPod was set on shuffle and I had lost track of the music during her assault. As I reached to show her, it hit me: the Pet Shop Boys were clearly swooning away in the background. Jesus Christ. Mortified, I held up my iPod for her inspection and looked away, feeling defeated. She simply turned and skipped down the ramp as my face reddened in electronic solitude."
- Trace Crutchfield, iPod Wars
"What's funny is that I meant the other guy."
-RW
Oh.
You mean the guy who gets a little hip check, or takes what could be a questionable charge (the kind of call never called on the playground else you're called a pussy), and then he falls backwards like his eye has been torn out of its socket. You know the guy, the guy who just had his arm completely ripped off his torso by a grizzly. The guy hit by the runaway semi while crossing on the green light in the crosswalk (driver is obviously a racist - and drunk!).
The befouled dude is flopping around on the court like a fish in a dory, his big ass mama comes out of the stands with her shoe in her hand to beat the fouler. Dude's "cousin" shows up with posse and a bucket of water a wet cloth to dab the forehead of the injured, his teammates bring out the James Brown cape, he's down, but NO! He's up again!
And the crowd goes ape shit.
Pallbearers appear with dark suits and white gloves carrying a shiny brass coffin. The mama and "cousin" are taunting the fouler saying stuff like, "wut up, beeoch? Want summa dis, muthafucka?" Mama is sobbing, "Whyyyyyyyy Jesus! My bayyyybeeee! Noooooooooo!" An angel repels from the scoreboard. A gospel choir sings Amazing Grace.
There's a beating, some gunplay, cops are called.... Then! The guy gets up, krumpin', clownin', breakin'. Looking around like, what happened? Let's play!
The refs watch for about three minutes before resuming game play. The crowd is spent.
Play-by-Play Announcer, “Jim” (radio): All righty, we’re back with 2:32 left in the third quarter at Staples Center, Lakers 72, Grizzlies 64. Ball inbounds under the basket Miller to Gasol. Gasol turns, shoots and Kobe swats it away! Odon gets the ball… There’s the whistle. It’s on Kobe, his forth!
Color Commentator, “Billy”: Jim, Kobe doesn’t appear to like that call.
Jim: That’s right, Billy. Kobe has taken the ball away from Lamar Oden and is walking to mid-court. He. Is. In. Disbelief. Clearly, Kobe doesn't agree. This’ll be a good one.
Billy: Kobe has placed the ball on center court and his hands are on his face; he is in serious disbelief over that call. Kobe sits down. It looks like he's...mock-sobbing.
Just look at the Lakers bench, it looks like they just witnessed a Chevrolet Suburban hit-and-run a stroller in an crosswalk. Chevy – 0% or $1,000 cash back now through April 3 at the Chevy Monster Spring Cleaning Sales Event.
Jim: I think Kobe’s telling referee Will Simmons that he’s crazy. There's some finger-wagging, some staring...
Billy: He’s making the dizzy-in-the-head motion with his finger to his temple. I believe. Yes. He has crossed his eyes.
Jim: The crowd’s going nuts. They saw that on the H-P Jumbo Monitors. Kobe better be careful, or he’s going to get a technical, that could be costly to the Lakers.
Billy: Yeah, but the refs have backed off. There going to let this one go. Let’s hear from Suze Richards on the sidelines:
Sideline Correspondent, “Suze Richards”: Word has it that Kobe has something special loaded up for this tantrum. We can only hope…
Billy: There it is! He’s taking off his shorts! Kobe Bryant is standing at center court at Staples Center, two minutes-thirty left in the third and Kobe Bryant is wearing compression shorts and the number 24 jersey. Suze, you were right!
Jim: What’s that printed on his rear? Oh my...
Suze: It says, “Witch Hunt” clearly an attack on the refs and the NBA over the number of questionable calls against the superstar, particularly the suspension-educing flagrant fouls. Jim.
Jim: The trainer is bringing something to Kobe. It’s…it’s a pogo stick. Holy cow! Suze, I thought "Which Hunt" was the surprise, but this takes the cake.
Billy: Kobe’s bouncing on a pogo stick in his underwear and pointing at the crowd. This sellout crowd is going nuts. Woah! These fans are pumped! That may have crossed the line with these officials though who are now converging on mid-court.
Jim That’s it. Kobe’s been assessed a technical foul. His first. A Chevy Malibu technical foul. Chevy Malibu. Independence and emotion come to a meeting of the minds. Chevy, where the charrrrge begins. Now Phil Jackson is awake and he's pointing at the refs. Phil is in dis-belief!
Billy: We’ll be right back after a word from Budweiser. Budweiser, the king of beers. Lakers 72, Grizzlies 64.
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