Ask Ty...March 1 (#1)

Q: Why does everyone think I give a shit what their baby looks like?

Signed,

Maybe I'll Understand If I Have One But For Now I Don't Need 93 Unremarkable And Nearly Identical Shots of Your Baby, One Will Do Just Fine Thank You.

Ty: Oh, Maybe...good question and an even better observation. People are shallow. People are dumb. People have an innate tendency to generalize upon the world based on their own experiences and filters. So, if they are overwhelmed by and amazed with their own selfish, stinky, squirmy sack of genetic offspring, they are CERTAIN that you will be too.

It funny, people are surprised that I generally dislike children. They say, "but you're such a good and loving father." I assure them I love MY kid, it's their ugly pukes I hate. Sure, there are some. A few. A couple of kids that are OK. But for the most part, children are a nuisance. Children are fucking annoying. I love the kids of good parents. Mark and Margaret stand out clearly. Love those kids because they have limits and boundaries. Larry's kids are great too. Smart, clever, and unassuming. That's four. I'm sure there are others. I'm sure Ronan will be swell. So, five that I can think of are fine.

Kids are mostly annoying because their parents suck. They are too busy talking on their goddamn phones (about what fucking Billy did today) and too busy scheduling "play dates" to give a shit about or even notice the path of destruction little Elenor is creating in my view and in my presence.

Yeah, like you want to see 400 full-sized jpgs (awful photography by the way) in your mailbox of fucking Dylan looking like he's gonna die if you don't feed the little fucker something instead of "waiting for your milk to come." And, I'm not gonna go to your stupid annotated web site or blog about some kid that's gonna grow up to be a shallow and simple and frightened as you. I've already deleted that mail. I've added you to my spam blocker.

People think you must want to see photos of that little puke because they are justifying the mistake they've just made with their lives. Their new fashion accessory is here and it is crying and it smells like cheese. And, shit, they wanted the little shitbag so it must be important. If it's important to them -- it's damn fucking urgently important to everyone in their address book.

Once you have one, you'll understand. But, you'll also understand how weak and pathetic most parents are. You stop putting little Matthew in sailor suits and put that fucker behind some drums and say, shit yeah, this bastard can make me some money if I'm smart. Just. Like. Tiger. Bitches!

Until otherwise noted, I don't like your kid and definitely don't want to see any baby pictures. They all look the same until about two anyhow. If I want to see baby pictures, I'll Google "dirty, screaming, planet killing vampire."

Send on jpg no greater than 1ook, people.

Just a guess. - Ty