All About (Professional) Football*

Football - The Mope Ascendancy

by Rickey Powell
annotations by Todd Retard

A) Because I hate the Giants just a hair less than the Cowboys, I'm okay with this. Eli figured out that if he just doesn't fuck things up, the rest of the team can carry his sorry ass. He's still a mope.

I'm going to list some quarterbacks who have played in the Superbowl® recently:

• Rex Grossman
• Matt Hasselbeck
• Brad Johnson
• Kerry Collins
• Chester "Trent" Dilfer

Even if Mope Manning makes it to the Superbowl® (which he hasn't yet) he'll be in pretty good company.

Yes, the best thing that happened to the Giants was that they were predicted to get whupped by the Patriots in game 16. But, they played beautifully for pride in a close loss. They came into the playoffs on a mean, pissy roll. Even though they have a quarterback who doesn't want to play football, the defense and the non-QB offense look quite capable. Oh, and Mope Manning hasn't given the games away. They'll lose handily to Green Bay.

B) The Chargers. I bristle to see Mope Turner find a nut, but his team is in the Championship. See Bill Callahan. If the Chargers make it to the Superbowl® by some fluke, NO ONE is going to watch the Superbowl®.

Because of Mark and only because of Mark I've grown to appreciate the Chargers. I do not respect Norv. I've never been a fan of the Chargers. But I love Mark thus...go Chargers!

But I have to root for the Patriots to win the AFC Championship. No, I don't like the Patriots. Never have. And this is not a diss of my boy, Mark. I'm selling the soul for the Patriots to lose the Superbowl®, in overtime, by one point, on a disputed play ("tuck rule" perhaps). I'll give kidney for that to happen. Sweet Raider revenge.

C) If the Chargers make it to the Superbowl®, it will be the biggest choke in modern football history (on the part of the Patriots). It will rival the Colts-Jets Superbowl® for chokedom.

Chokin' like the Yankees.

D) I think I'm rooting for a San Diego v. Green Bay Superbowl. Mopes vs. the Smallest Market. I'll be the only one watching.

Yes. You will be the only one watching that one.

E) Has anyone mentioned that the past two Cowboy seasons have ended on a Tony Romo fuck up? Mr. Jessica Simpson. You know, I saw enough of the show about Jessica Simpson and Nick Whatever-his-mope-face-name-is to know that Jessica Simpson would be a nightmare to date and probably a pretty cold, lifeless fuck. That show somehow made me empathetic toward a jerkass, millionaire frat boy.

Brutal! But, I ain't never seen that MTV show. And, yeah, chicks make you dumb, slow, and crazy.

* Because college football just doesn't count.