Monday

The New Hampshire Change Agency

The New Hampshire Primary Presidential Debates - January 5, 2008
2008 Premise #1: It’s time for a change.

2008 Premise #2: Washington is broken.
During my cognizant period, I clearly remember Mr. Jimmy Carter from Plains, Georgia, shuffling into a broken Washington to bring about a change in the environment. Clinton? Same thing. Even the second Bush ran on change. “We need to get rid of the politics of anger, we need a fresh start after a season of cynicism,” he said. Again, this is where we are.

GOP


Whew! That’s exhausting stuff and I didn’t even watch the Republicans. I had neither the patience nor the stomach to watch that slate of old, lying, windbags. But, I did read about it. In fact, the one and only New York Times called the Republican conversation “spirited” and “fiery” (twenty-three skidoo, NYT, good there was no fisticuffs).

Face it: the GOP field is pretty sorry; terrible really. Could you really see any of those guys as president? At least McCain fits the old, white, male mold fairly cleanly...for someone running in 1956 maybe.

After Barry Hussein forced the entire Democrat slate – what’s left of it – into this whole talking point called “change” the Republicans have stolen those pages from the proverbial playbook. I mean there were periods where John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, and Mitt Romney were “passionately” arguing over who was the “real Agent of Change. ” Fucking brilliant theater if it wasn’t so annoyingly pathetic and insincere.

Lemme see, anything else on the Republicans? Huckabee is nuts, Giuliani is crazy, Romney has characteristics of false pride and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. McCain is just desperate and acting all due like Bob Dole. Now, I don’t flat-out hate Mr. McCain (like I hate the others) even with his recent kneeling to the evangelical crowd, but he’s just irrelevant. Their paradigm has passed.

DEMOCRATS

Oh, man, this is where the action is. We had Edwards, Rodham, and Obama scratching and fighting to be the best person to fix a broken Washington utilizing the magic of change. Even Richardson woke up long enough to whip out a funny line. Only Richardson sounded more like post-riot Rodney King than pre-election viable candidate.

Hillary Diane:

Hillary has been “working for change” her entire life, I understand (she told us so a bunch of times). I guess change is really hard since it ain’t happened yet though. But maybe she can get it done. But, she’s on the ropes, yo. With the compact primary season a second place New Hampshire would be difficult to overcome. A third place finish would be game-over time for HIlls. Even Salon foresees “Heartbreak Ahead” if she doesn’t win here. Which she won’t.

In a not-so-veiled jab at Obama, Hillary Diane said, "Making change is not about what you believe. It's not about a speech you make. It's about working hard.” A good point, and no doubt I know that she’d work very hard for America® (which is good because Bush says that being president "is hard work”) but, dammit if that line wasn’t cocked and loaded. Even her delivery was a jump-the-gun-with-excitement-because-here-it-is moment. Teed and in the box it came out so desperate, pandering, and unaffected. I love Hillary but her campaign is dying a slow, painful death.

Señior Richardson:
Dear Hon. Bill Richardson,

Please give it up. Your campaign is dead. You are overweight, blotchy, your suit is cheap, you took no care to look presentable IN A DEBATE OVER WHO SHOULD BE PRESIDENT, and you make no apparently sound policy points or effective pitches as to why you should be the president of the free world (or, at least, why I should vote for you). This is 2007. The presidency is as much style as it is substance, sir.

You have lowered yourself to goofy joking; being the funny fat guy. You seem lost and dull. You might want to stop comparing how you’d run the planet based on how you’ve run the impressive state of…New Mexico. Nothing against New Mexico, but it’s…New Mexico. If you were governor of even a Florida or Illinois then maybe some of the comparisons might be relevant. But, really? New Mexico. Gee. Almost two million people, huh? Population rank: 36, huh?

I wish I were a close friend because I could look into your eyes and tell you, “Sir, with all due respect, you are out of your league. You are embarrassing yourself.”

Sincerely best,

- Ty Hardaway

P.S. Yes. We know. We know you were Secretary of Energy. Wen Ho Lee told me.
John Edwards:

Something is wrong with this guy. It’s the constant blinking and that thing he does with his tongue. OCD? Medications? Dunno. I have the feeling he gets that nasty spit thing in the corner of his mouth too.

Daddy worked in a textile mill? Check! Not all corporations are bad? Check! Sue the ones that are though? Check! Two Americas? Check! Fighting for the poor? Check! We appreciate all those things.

But, there’s something wrong with him. Hint: His wife has Stage IV cancer. He needs to stop fucking around with playing dress-up and go out and love his wife before she fucking dies. What’s wrong with him? He needs to do us all a favor and be a “voice for change” and change his mind about this campaign and take a vacation with Lizzy and the chill-rens.

Barry Hussein:

You know what? I don’t know all of his policy positions. In fact, I don’t know all of anyone’s policy positions. So what? It’s a campaign. It’s not like what one campaign's on is going to be what one is allowed to do as president anyhow. So what?

Again, Barry Oh! is the first viable candidate that feels like me. I can identify with the guy. He’s smooth like Jiffy creamy (even his competitors are charmed by his weird charisma). He comes across as being above the fray. He’s already moved on. It's over. Says Barry:
"There have been periods of time in our history where a president inspired the American people to do better," he argued. "And I think we're in one of those moments right now. I think the American people are hungry for something different and can be mobilized around big changes; not incremental changes, not small changes."
Nobody is going march into (broken) Washington, wave a magic wand around, and sic change fairies on all the ills of government. It’s too complicated. As H.W. clipped, “Not gonna happen.”

But, shit, why not Barry? I’ll ask again, why the hell not? Even if he spends a single-term floundering in messes created by the Republicans (or even self-inflicted), he would have shaken things up, if only a little.

Barack Obama? I think I get it.