[you edit it, I'm tired]
Q: Why are you so harsh toward Boston? You seem to have unexplained issues with your whole "Eat it, Boston" nonsense. Did something happen to you there? Have you ever been to Bean Town?
- Tony F., Boston
Ty: Good question and an even better observation. And before I answer let me just say this: Eat it, Boston! Cry me a (Charles) river in your (green) beer, you mopes. Listen, Boston is swell. Most of your 9/11™ hijackers thought Boston was great too (too soon? please!).Let me just say, I have 101 issues with Boston, but I have no patience to get into it all, but just trust me, O.K. I have a long history with Boston and her people. But I'll just say this, my issues are for the people of Oakland, for giving us John Kerry, for winning streaks that end in finals, for the 1984 Lakers, for the people of New York, for the "home office," and for that whi-kit re-TAH-did accent of yours: eat it, Boston!
Oh yeah, and for the guy who called me "nigger" in Lynn, Massachusetts in the early 1980s? How does 18 and 1 feel?
Q: Why do you diss on Superbowl ads? That's usually one of the highlights of the game. It's a tradition, right? I watch the ads closer than the game.
- Jillian R., Sacramento
Ty: Super Bowl® ads? Really? That's the highlight of the game for you? You're psyched for an advertisement, huh? Let me get this straight: you like to watch the Super Bowl® because of the ads. Ads are a form of communication with the sole purpose of convincing you to either take a position or spend your money, often against your better will. And you actually may or may not be convinced to take a specific position on something or spend your money because of advertising. And you think this is nifty coolio.
You are a sucker. Consider this, maybe the advertisers created a bunch of hype (artificial hype becoming real hype) about how the Super Bowl® ads are the big cheese so you now believe that the Super Bowl® ads are a big cheese (because that's what you hear). You are a sucker. It's contrived. It's artificial. It's just dumb. It's like modern politics resulting in me taking my goddamn shoes off in the airport (like a mope). You are being manipulated. You are Coca-Cola's bitch (Coca-Cola is a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola corporation).
For you or anyone in the year 2008 to even raise an eyebrow about Super Bowl® ads indicates serious mental deficiencies. I'm embarrassed for you. Because I'm so embarassed for you I'm writing a prescription for you to read King Kaufman's Salon post on Super Bowl® ads being "over" [clicky]. And he's so right.
And, here's a Public Service Message for you (a PSA is an ad): WUSS - Wise up. Use your brain. Stop being a sucker. Suppress the propaganda.
You watch the ads, huh?
Q: Love your Superbowl posts. We may have to begin calling you Ty "The Prophet" Hardaway. My general rule is always to take the team with a player named Plaxico. I mean with a name like that you'd think he was one of Caesars hit men or something (Spartacus' bastard child?). But then again I've always liked sports figures with names that involve an 'X' (Nick Van Exel, Xavier McDaniel, etc.). I'll have to hook you up with my bookie so that we can put your talents to good use (NY covers the 12 points! Thats a pretty penny).
- Cassady K., SoCoCal
Ty: Yeah I know there's no question here, but my friend here just suggested that I be called The Prophet. What, I'm not going to post that? Please. That is so cool. But, mostly, did you read Cassady's no-question question? Did you read this stuff? Did you see the phrase turns? I'll help you out:
With regard to Plaxico "The Prophet" Burress: "...with a name like that you'd think he was one of Caesars hit men or something (Spartacus' bastard child?)." What's better, "Caesars hit men" or "Spartacus' bastard child?" How do you come up with that? Is that plagiarized?
How about this one, "I've always liked sports figures with names that involve an 'X.' That's beautiful. Nick Van Exel, Xavier McDaniel? I did not wake up this morning expecting to read the name Nick Van Exel. Did you? Who else? Xree Hipp? "Sports figures" and "that involve" show a certain thoughtful elegance. Nice work. I give you an A- (mind your formatting).
Oh, and I don't gamble, thanks. That's for suckers too.
Q: So who's gonna be the big Super Tuesday winners?
- Karen H., Santa Cruz
Ty: What am I, the Amazing Kreskin? Like, what, I care about this bullshit? How's this: Ronald Reagan and Ed Muskie. Haven't you read a thing? Listen people: WUSS! (see above).Tamp the hype, kids. It's mostly artificial, remember? Super Tuesday is what, a brand now? A division of Halliburton. Like what, this shit is important?
I'll bite. The best case for America™® would be for the McCain-Obama ticket to win. Yes, John "Don't Call Carol Please" McCain and Brock "Barry Oh!®" O'Baughmaugh should be the president and vice president of America™®. Why? So America can get over itself and "just get along" like Rodney King asked. First act of the McCain-Obama era: Super Tuesday Congressional Beating Program (the STCBP). We can all line up on Tuesdays at the Capital to beat a congressional member of our choice. Alas, I'm wistfully daydreaming a la Walter Mitty.
People stop caring about stupid shit. Get yourselves a favorite X-named sports hero, ponder Spartacus progeny, and stop believing that the ads are the best part. Mostly though, just point toward Boston and laugh. WUSS, people. WUSS, America!
Just guesses.
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[Ask Ty® is a division of Middlespace Industries of America® and is solely intended for exhibition purposes only, wagering is neither sanctioned nor encouraged.]
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