Young kids don’t know better really. Kids are simply beginning to figure things out and adjust to living in brains and bodies (albeit kids do start to want and need and shift and discard quicker). And we all know teen years are rife with “search.” But for what? During the teen and early adulthood years the search is all about finding, finding out and believing that were supposed to fit into things (to groups, niches, beliefs, places, etc.).
As wizened adults, we all look back and laugh, or cringe in horror, at our choices, ideals, and behaviors of our teen and early adult lives.
I am 42 years old. Am I wizened or am I still searching for something? Really, I do not know. If I was to sit and really think this through, to truly concentrate on the matter, “What am I chasing? What would that answer be? Where am I steering this ship? Could I even honestly or accurately answer the question (could anyone)? Even given the latitude of a careful answer not being a permanent or accountable answer but a thoughtful belief for right now. What am I chasing?Fulfillment?Good question (and an even better observation).
Some sort of peace?
Camaraderie?
I enjoy making my art. I enjoy thinking in artistic terms. In fact, I feel and have always felt compelled to make things. I’ve honed an aesthetic since childhood and now I can only see the world through a filter labeled, “how does this mesh with my work?” If forced into a ranking, art (music, photography, design, décor, etc.) is probably my number one passion. Given druthers, I would probably spend nearly all of my waking time making things.
But, I already do that for the most part. So, as a “chase” answer, it doesn’t cut to the search. Digging deeper, is it notoriety or recognition for my work that possibly motivates? Is it a pot-o’-gold that awaits at the other end of my rainbow? Publically, I proclaim that recognition doesn’t really matter much. But, when respected or knowledgeable characters express delight or awe or gratitude for or with my work, it does feel pretty good. Recognition for talent is a good feeling. But, I don’t necessarily need that; I like it, but don’t need it. Actually, I usually bristle and deflect praise, but somewhere deep inside; it’s a deeply moving feeling (after I filter through the possible catches associated with praise).
On the other side of that coin, monetary recognition for talents would be pretty swell too. But, I’m not talking about just enough cash to cover time and materials, I’m talking stinky, Jeff Koons, Richard Prince, Annie Leibovitz celebrity artist money (maybe not Leibovitz money, that’s nutty). But, yeah, cash it out, baby. Sell it out, in fact! Weird charisma, toast of the town money. Yet that’s unrealistic and fanciful daydreaming. I don’t need that kind of money, but I’d certainly take it. I’d love it, in fact. And, with regard to money, it’s all or nothing.
Then, what is the chase? Is it an aesthetic unfulfilled? Maybe. Since I cannot seem to ever stop making things nor can settle on a particular thread, trend, or genre within the arts (creating my own where necessary) maybe I’m seeking a certain internal purity; a balance. I do continually compete with myself. There is a clarity sought. But, I’ve chased that ghost forever. I have not or cannot see a resolution or “end game” to the arts. There’s no storyline or arc to it.
We choreograph our existences, deliberately or not. It still comes down to degrees to which we exercise our will. We align our moralization and our attitudes and our belief structures to our lifestyles (which are shaped by influences internal and external). But, do we know what we are looking for, chasing?
Dunno. I just want to make shit. I like starting projects and finishing projects and figuring out what to do next. I don’t like explaining it, but I do like making it. No answers.
It seems as if we are always all searching for something, anymore.
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