The "Kids Today" Rant

Oh sweet Jesus!

These whining, moaning, insecure, infantile "young adults" today. You make me feel so old because all the coddling has distilled you into something I just don't recognize anymore. Your spoon-fed angst makes me just plain tired. Moan some more to me about your fucking parent issues. Cry me the Nile about your biological clock. Shove. Your. "Career." Get. Over. Yourselves.

Answer me this: How can you be so goddamn self-righteous and concurrently be so fucking insecure? You absolutely cannot be a know-it-all and be afraid of your own goddamn shadow. It doesn't work that way, you fucking babies. Your declarations do not jibe with your wimpering; your behaviors do not support your attitudes.

Your anxious search for validation, correctness, and sense of individuality becomes completely drowned-out by the literal begging to be accepted by very specific groups.

I ain't going to listen to your fucking sniveling anymore. I don't want to hear your manifestos of weakness in-person or as you publicly seek therapy via mobile telephone. No!

Just f-in' grow up or I'm going to have to build myself a giant spatula so I can move you out of my way when you all implode into heaps of thumb-sucking fetal-positioned relinquishment.

When you realize that this isn't all yours, let me know. I have a medal for you (since even the most basic of human responses will have to feel like some sort of accomplishment for you to understand (even then it'll be all, "How come I didn't get a bigger medal?)). Did you wipe yourselves today, babies?

It just needed saying, as they say in Ohio.