Professor O & My Puppet Show about Race in America

So I'm at this birthday party for a three-year-old friend last Sunday. I knew what to expect and such. It was fun. And the hosts are friends of mine. I love them. But, the party's subject is the granddaughter of the very famous Harvard sociologist Orlando Patterson. You know the one, one of America's premier experts on race. I said maybe like three words to him. He was even trying to coax me into some kind of discussion...even trying the, "hey, we have the same camera" entry. I was too shy. He had to spend three hours hearing the history of the neighborhood from the next door and long time resident of that home. He was being polite but he was dying for some academic "vis a vis" and "main effect" and "paradigm" talk. I could tell. Yet I was paralyzed for some dumb reason.


Now, it's obvious that I should talk to Orlando Patterson. I mean that's clear. My bad for being so caught up and stuff. Maybe I subconsciously believed that the venue wasn't the best to get all into prejudice, race, and discrimination EVEN THOUGH THAT WAS MY COLLEGE AND GRADUATE STUDIES SPECIALTY. I'm so retarded. I'd love to do drinks with the good doctor though. I have a lot to say.

I was even joking with his daughter--my dear friend--how shy I was about the situation. She was all, "Dude! He loves to talk shop, go on?!" I passed yet again. I was all imagining being such a knob with [high-pitched naive voice] "Uh, pardon me Dr. Patterson. Do you believe that Barack Obama could become our first black, uh, African-American president and what would it mean for America and the world?" But that never happened. Just sorry fanboy fawning from afar.

All I could actually riff on was this whole thread about how I would be all [high-pitched naive voice]: "Uh, hello Dr. Patterson. My name is Ty and I studied race. Ha-ha! I saw you on the TeeVee too. The puppet show today makes me think I should develop a puppet show about race but, you know, keep it real...for kids. I could have characters like Tyrone, Kahneeshia, and Whitey the one-puppet manifestation of all things wrong with race relations."

Then I (actually) started acting that puppet show for his daughter and others in my clique:

Puppet Tyrone: "Shit, nigga. Whitey has my black ass down today. Maybe I'll go subvert democracy or something today."

Puppet Kahneeshia: "Shut up and get me the classifieds, I'm'onna get me a job today so I can pay for college like President Obama said I could. I gots hope and change 'n shit, nigga."

Puppet Tyrone: "Uh, oh. Here come Whitey and he looking mad as a motherfuck."

Puppet Whitey: "It's all your fault for palling around with terrorists. America is mine, not yours. I'm a maverick and a reformer and I care about solarwindtidenuclear and I am insulted that you called me racial." [Ed. note: Puppet Whitey has a suit and little tyrannosaurus arms, of course]

Puppet Tyrone: "Hey Kahneeshia, I'm'onna use my eloquence with words and make Whitey a crazy, erratic, and angry old man. We built this shit. America is ours too! Watch.

Hey Whitey. I'm'onna be the president and you're not. You're a loser and you lie and you don't know what you're doing. I got eloquence and height and good young looks."

Puppet Whitey: "ACORN! AYERS! INEXPERIENCED! THAT ONE! MINE!"

Puppet Kahneeshia: "Damn, he be trippin' and shit."

Puppet Tyrone: "See, it was my eloquence with words."

Puppet Whitey: "I'm'onna get you you wascally wabbit! I own a mansion and a yacht puppet Tyrone!"

Puppet Tyrone: "That's President Puppet Tyrone, son."

Puppet Whitey: [Puppet Whitey turns beet-red, blows steam from his neck, his head goes around three or four times, birds and stars float around his head, and then his head explodes -- cue: laugh track]

Puppets Tyrone & Kahneeshia (in duet): "Daaaamn!"

Orlando would have been all--after a long pause, "Oh, your camera is the S5. Mine is the S3. I think I'll see if they're bringing the cake yet."

[Note: Yes, I took the photograph.]