Monday

Ask Ty...April 13 [The Bluetooth Question]

It must be Tuesday Monday, Middlespace Cadets, because I'm answering your questions

Q: Dear Ty,
Cultural Phenomenon into which I would Value Your Insight

Over the past few years, I've noticed a steady increase in the use of Bluetooth headsets. Everyone's noticed this I'm sure. I have also noticed, however, a disproportionate increase in the use of Bluetooth headsets by obese male African Americans. What the hell is that? I would argue that if you were to see 10 people with Bluetooths in a day, at least 6 of them would be incredibly fat black dudes. I doubt this is coincidence, because I've noticed it for over a year now. Just hoping you could weigh in on this; I'm not expecting an explanation for it or anything, but I'd love some confirmation that I'm not out of my mind. Thanks a lot.

- Mike, your nephew at Pomona College

PS: I've ventured the solution that they turn to Bluetooth because their pockets are too tight, so the process of "phone-to-ear" becomes an exhausting tug of war between man and pants. But that doesn't explain the socioeconomic dynamic seen here, just the fat-ness. My attempts to unpack this trend remain woefully incomplete.

Ty: Good question and an even better observation, nephew. I'm hoping your question is from an academic/intellectually stimulating perspective rather than some sick form of joking with your half-black all-Jew uncle:
Q: Why do black people love Bluetooth hands free headsets so much?

A: So they hands is free to eat they fried chicken!
I'm not here for jokes, son. The Ask Ty... enterprise is based on truth, honesty, and intelligence. No yucking around. I have integrity to protect and further.

This very phenomenon you mention is why I call the in-ear, Bluetooth wireless protocol telephone transponder headsets, "blacktoofs." Black people dig blacktoofs like nobody's business. It's not just "obese male African Americans"...it's all black people. Okay, to be fair, not all blacks, only 95% of 'em. I'm surprised Barack Obama isn't sporting a blacktoof. That's how much black people love the blacktoofs.

I, however, am a failure as a cool black person in America. No blacktoof for me...maybe it's cheap Jew genes.

Young and old, thick and thin, male and female, blacktoofs are so big with black people that it just looks wrong to see a white person using one anymore (if they're not wiggin'). When I witness a white person talking blacktoof, I instinctively think, "he's not black."

[WAIT?!! Why are you asking ME? Am I now your go-to for all questions black? C'mon Mike, since when are you so RACIST, racist!]

I've seen people interviewed on the TeeVee news about house fires and homicides who wouldn't take off their blacktoof headsets. In fact, they turn blacktoof to camera. I've seen people with ONE IN EACH EAR. I've seen people with "highly ornate" headsets. And by "people" I mean black people. There is a love affair between the blacks of America and their blacktoofs.

Here's AnythingBlack.com's take (Bluetooth is item #1, March 5, 2008): [clicky]

In fact, racist Mike, let me Google some more references for your lazy collegiate ass and you can observe for yourself a robust interweb archive on this old topic: [clicky] 1.4 million results. You're just noticing this now? Really? You need to get out more, dude.

But I don't believe you sent me an email to do a fucking Google search for you, right? You want some context and some depth, right? You want an analysis; a Ty special.

Here goes: Here's the deal...I'm sorry to say it, but black people actually think blacktoofs are quite cool devices. I know! Blacks are usually style and culture trendsetters. People usually follow the lead of the blacks even in grossly watered-down and too tired for discussion ways. How many middle-aged upper socioeconomic white people have used (and still use) "da bomb" or still raise the roof? 100%! How many minivan moms have called, "snap!" Yawn! I really think that it's the case that the blacktoof is just...cool for the blacks. But...Paul Harvey.

But going deeper, all social psychological on your ass, the blacktoof headset is an important social visual status cue. It says several important things that blacks, as historically underrepresented and socially left behind second-class citizens, want to "holla":
  1. I am connected to the world via celluar.
  2. I have friends to share conversations with.
  3. I am technologically savvy.
  4. I have a phone somewhere on my person.
  5. I have a job.
  6. I can afford this telephone and a blacktoof!
  7. I have decent credit!
It's basically a form of crossover, mainstream "bling" (another term bastardized by the white mainstream). It's a demonstration, inherently, that "we" (the blacks) are just like "you" (the whites). The blacktoof, thus, becomes equally important as a way to differentiate self from low-life thug and as suitor feathers to display to acceptable mating partners.

Look at me! Look at me! I'm talking on a phone with no wires at all connected!

What it comes down to, Mike, is the blacktoof is a culture specific status representation that is overused in the African American community due to an overcompensating grasp for equality and assimilation. It has nothing to do with weight. It has nothing to do with gender. It has little to do with money.

That shizzle is off da hizzle. Besides you can't drive a stolen car and fire a handgun with a phone in your hand. I jest! Blacks may be dead wrong about the blacktoof but at least we didn't invent the mullet. Every race has its failures. Look at the Chinese. No! I jest.

Just a guess,

-ty

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