Truggat Serendipity at Coffee Breakby TL Bridges
image by Ty
They talk shit on New Yorkers like a woman scorned; we truly are their small-dicked bastards that never knew how to fuck properly.
They also discriminate to the point that it should be illegal. I’m not making this up. We were there, highly qualified to work (come on, a New Yorker not able to do a Portland job? Ha!), and only ever able to procure jobs in places that had New York sympathizers at the hiring helm. I’m not kidding; I went for almost a year without a job because of this. People at interviews would shit-talk New York to my face, saying things such as, “Well, ya know, WE don’t do things like they do in New York, do you think you can handle that?”
“You mean, like you don’t work hard, fast, accurately or stressfully? Sure!”
Truth is, fellow New Yorkers, you can’t. And in time, you’ll find yourself wanting to eat the Cobain sandwich out of pure, empty boredom in moving so excruciatingly slow.
Here is my recent case in point:
My friend Tom Z. is about to embark on a 2-3 month stay in Portland.
He wanted to have his own place while staying there, rather than put friends out for such a long period. An ad was placed in craigslist, in detail, of his going out there from Brooklyn and staying awhile.
What happened?
Zero…point…Zero
A week later, he copied the ad, word for word, but left out the BKLYN…
40 responses in 2 days.
Fuck you, Portland.
Keep wishing you could be Seattle, and stay Truggat*.
All thanks goes to Ty for the honor of inviting me, and for branding a much needed, long-overdue epithet.
--------------------------
image by Ty
That’s enough, Portland!
New Yorkers, it is time we face the facts on this quaint town we’re so enamored with. I am reacting to a story in this week’s New York magazine about a fat asscock who has set up tent in Brooklyn to hawk his bullshit Portland lifestyle. Why is this so atrocious, you ask? Well, it begins with the title ‘The Messiah Hails From Portland’.
Let’s get some things straight.
New Yorkers never admit anything is better, EVER! This reporter is straight up clowning New York City for fuckssakes! I will admit that I know of this coffee well, it is good but definitely not my favorite. What is my favorite? Illy is my favorite, but you know what? It’s fucking COFFEE, so I buy Café Bustelo, bitches! Go on now, keep acting the faggoty truggat* and duping yourselves into a false identity based on your ‘sophisticated palette’.
This charlatan has the a great backstory explaining exactly how and why his is the crème de la crème, and that “this town (NYC) is ridiculous…Make a good cup of coffee for your neighbor, fuck!”
Take your weak-assed ‘good intention’ neighborly bullshit out of here. It’s a lie, and you fucking know it, Eli Sunday. Also, WE’RE ridiculous? Ever been to Portland’s acclaimed Saturday Market? Didja enjoy the Elephant Ears, fatty? So as it stands, you come to our house, talk shit about us, and we’re supposed to embrace you as a messiah? Even Timothy Dolan knew better, doucheturd! Also, let it be known that Portland has a seething hatred of Starbucks, the likes of which you’ve never dreamed. They blame Starbucks for most of their lives’ problems. This patchouli-felcher created his business as the anti-Starbucks, and the truggats* came like it was a Bush protest.
Where are you now, beliefs? Still think he’s different than Howard Shultz?
Reporter, this means you too. God knows you’ll flee Brooklyn soon; for the darkies and foreigners are all set to reclaim the streets in this economy. They’re going to looove you as they grow poorer and watch you at your outdoor café drinking faggoty $12/lb coffee while rubbing your own clit, droning on your own self-importance to your friend, who’s so busy thinking of something clever to say in return that they’re not listening. You call yourself a New Yorker…GEDDOUDDAHEEAH, sellout!
Here are some interesting facts you should know about Portland before shelling out that $12:
New Yorkers, it is time we face the facts on this quaint town we’re so enamored with. I am reacting to a story in this week’s New York magazine about a fat asscock who has set up tent in Brooklyn to hawk his bullshit Portland lifestyle. Why is this so atrocious, you ask? Well, it begins with the title ‘The Messiah Hails From Portland’.
Let’s get some things straight.
New Yorkers never admit anything is better, EVER! This reporter is straight up clowning New York City for fuckssakes! I will admit that I know of this coffee well, it is good but definitely not my favorite. What is my favorite? Illy is my favorite, but you know what? It’s fucking COFFEE, so I buy Café Bustelo, bitches! Go on now, keep acting the faggoty truggat* and duping yourselves into a false identity based on your ‘sophisticated palette’.
This charlatan has the a great backstory explaining exactly how and why his is the crème de la crème, and that “this town (NYC) is ridiculous…Make a good cup of coffee for your neighbor, fuck!”
Take your weak-assed ‘good intention’ neighborly bullshit out of here. It’s a lie, and you fucking know it, Eli Sunday. Also, WE’RE ridiculous? Ever been to Portland’s acclaimed Saturday Market? Didja enjoy the Elephant Ears, fatty? So as it stands, you come to our house, talk shit about us, and we’re supposed to embrace you as a messiah? Even Timothy Dolan knew better, doucheturd! Also, let it be known that Portland has a seething hatred of Starbucks, the likes of which you’ve never dreamed. They blame Starbucks for most of their lives’ problems. This patchouli-felcher created his business as the anti-Starbucks, and the truggats* came like it was a Bush protest.
Where are you now, beliefs? Still think he’s different than Howard Shultz?
Reporter, this means you too. God knows you’ll flee Brooklyn soon; for the darkies and foreigners are all set to reclaim the streets in this economy. They’re going to looove you as they grow poorer and watch you at your outdoor café drinking faggoty $12/lb coffee while rubbing your own clit, droning on your own self-importance to your friend, who’s so busy thinking of something clever to say in return that they’re not listening. You call yourself a New Yorker…GEDDOUDDAHEEAH, sellout!
Here are some interesting facts you should know about Portland before shelling out that $12:
1: Almost every business there has the exact same truggatty* bullshit mantra (organic, free-trade, eco-friendly, random hippie bullshit) yet they are all frauds to a large degree; they are the exact polar opposite of the right wing businesses. They talk a good game, but it’s just as maniacal as Enron, just different.Don’t get me wrong, they also equally hate Californians, mostly because there was at one time a huge drive north, which ultimately drove up real estate. But the truth is they hate pretty much everyone that isn’t an Oregonian or Washingtonian(?), as well as just about everything else, which is why it was named ‘Unhappiest City’ as well as ‘Unhappiest State’ by several publications recently. They’re straight up haterz, yo!
2: They are the most faux-liberal, hypocritical city in America. They pride themselves on diversity and open-mindedness, so long as you don’t act differently than they. (see: TRUGGATS!!*) When we lived there, all the ‘scary people’ lived in the North part of town; boy was I shocked to see that they’ve now been pushed out of there as well! It is the whitest ‘large city’ in America, and that is fact. They would love for you to be their minority friend, just so long as you share their truggardly* views and become their Sammy Davis, Jr. (no offense, dear Candyman).
What else would you expect, in hindsight, from a city founded on slave trade and Shanghaiing?
3: They openly hate and discriminate against New Yorkers.
They talk shit on New Yorkers like a woman scorned; we truly are their small-dicked bastards that never knew how to fuck properly.
They also discriminate to the point that it should be illegal. I’m not making this up. We were there, highly qualified to work (come on, a New Yorker not able to do a Portland job? Ha!), and only ever able to procure jobs in places that had New York sympathizers at the hiring helm. I’m not kidding; I went for almost a year without a job because of this. People at interviews would shit-talk New York to my face, saying things such as, “Well, ya know, WE don’t do things like they do in New York, do you think you can handle that?”
“You mean, like you don’t work hard, fast, accurately or stressfully? Sure!”
Truth is, fellow New Yorkers, you can’t. And in time, you’ll find yourself wanting to eat the Cobain sandwich out of pure, empty boredom in moving so excruciatingly slow.
Here is my recent case in point:
My friend Tom Z. is about to embark on a 2-3 month stay in Portland.
He wanted to have his own place while staying there, rather than put friends out for such a long period. An ad was placed in craigslist, in detail, of his going out there from Brooklyn and staying awhile.
What happened?
Zero…point…Zero
A week later, he copied the ad, word for word, but left out the BKLYN…
40 responses in 2 days.
Fuck you, Portland.
Keep wishing you could be Seattle, and stay Truggat*.
All thanks goes to Ty for the honor of inviting me, and for branding a much needed, long-overdue epithet.
--------------------------
*Truggat - \trəg-gət\ noun: One who brandishes trivial, immaterial eccentricities flamboyantly in an egregious attempt to define who they are while simultaneously attempting to slight you as ignorant.
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