One Hundred Days

Egads! Has that wholly artificial, totally contrived 100-day hurdle already come and gone? Already? Where have I been? Doesn't it feel like only yesterday John Roberts was trying to trick Obama into not saying the oath of office with his characteristic "articulate" eloquence of words? Was that whole Sarah Palin thing just a weird late night Thai food and tequila dream? After a campaign that felt like purgatory, we've actually made it to a hundred days of the new president's presidency. Wow, it's the best spring of our lives!

President Obama. Has a nice ring to it, huh? Lyrical. Not abrupt like President Bush or hickey like President Clinton. President Obama. It's like a hopeful breath of change air. It's amazing that after all the fear mongering about having a negro Muslim socialist president we've basically got on our hands what Ralph Nader would call, "a negro Muslim socialist president." And before you get torqued, it is a good thing we have a negro Muslim socialist president because that old shit -- white Christian capitalist president thing -- was not working for damn sure. We didn't get a bumbling fool or a robot. We did not get, as feared, a thug who would send all the white people to internment camps (although I called all my white friends on January 21 to inform them that they could pack one bag and the bus was on the corner).

Obama is not perfect. But George Washington was not perfect either. I don't want perfect. Perfect would be scary as hell. But Obama is better than all the rest of 'em so far. Reagan and Clinton; Fillmore and Arthur, for sure.

The presidency is an exclusive, elite club and there are definite nuances that every new president brings to office. There are policies that are launched. Executive orders signed. Hot foots lit in congressional shoes. Favors to return. And dude is indeed acting like the president alright. Mack Daddy HNIC for reals. And he has effectively buried Biden and Hillary somewhere far out of sight. Good work and thumbs up, Barry!

By every stretch of the imagination the president's first 100-days have been wildly successful (especially for the pragmatic left leaning intelligentsia). Sure there's the whole secrecy and transparency thing but, you know what? We don't need to know every g-ddamn thing. That's the millennial mentality talking...like everybody needs to know everything all the time about everyone. Quit gossipin' and quit snitchin'. STFU and let the man we hired to work for us do his job for a few minutes without getting all up in his biz. It ain't Bush...we don't have Joseph Hazelwood at the wheel.

And, predictably, there are the haters. Of course there are haters! Ohhh boyyy are there haters. Is anybody surprised that Cheney is all blah-blah-blahing about everything? I'm not. Limbaugh? Please. If Rush wasn't spewing his hot green smelly alien venom about something I'd know there were real problems.

Check out the New York Post's "100 Days, 100 Mistakes" piece. What?! No, not "what" to the 'hundred mistakes' bit, but "what" to the fact that I even cited the New York Post because the New York Post is just horrible and sucks; vapid, histrionic, and just...the New York Post "is just like the Special Olympics or something." Hey, NY Post?! Your retarded! [get it?]

Seriously. Economic disaster or what-evs, are we not in a much better place in the world than we were 101 days ago? USA means something again. Black people are actually relevant again and not for playing basketball. And smart is the new black or whatever that silly NY phrase is.

Anyway, here's a list of the good the good man's done in 100 days from the top of my head and in no particular order:

- Basically killed GM because they make shitty cars.
- Basically killed Chrysler because they make shittier cars.
- Returned US to a foundation of science with federal support of stem cell research.
- Pregnant? Worried? No problem! Uncle Barry has you covered.
- Goodbye Iraq, we're Audi 5k.
- Hello Afghanistan, let's kick some ass!
- Hello torture prosecutions (please-please-please).
- Tea with Iran because we have to lead not cower.
- Hello Cuba - We were scared of Cuba?
- Hello Hugo - so what? He didn't kiss the guy's shoes he shook his hand.
- Picked Carolina to win NCAA. You didn't.
- Reversed policies on paranoid secrecy in government.
- Suspend enforcement of "midnight executive orders" pending review.
- Asked to close Guantanamo and restored rights to those imprisoned there.
- Ended illegal torture practices.
- Froze salaries for most of his staff.
- Signed mercury reduction pact.
- Eliminated medical marijuana prosecutions.
- He got a PUPPY!
- Spread swine flu all over the place.

Oh, snap (by golly). He is a negro Muslim socialist president. Rush is right! So what does the Mighty Conservative Movement come up with as intelligent counter? TEA parties. What? Uh, and Texas secession. Tea and secession. Great. No wonder Arlen Specter bailed...didn't want any part of teabagging.

Weigh in, people!