If you are or have ever been any shade of black this has happened to you: You're standing in line at the Starbucks to get a double half-calf skinny mochaccino or some dumb shit like that (don't worry, they know you and know your order so you don't have to say it aloud anymore) and you glance over your shoulder because someone is getting in line behind you--not all paranoid or anything, but a normal, reflexive, and actually polite turn as you continue to thumb-type on your iPhone. White guy queues up, gives you that little head nod thing, and says, "Wut up, bro?" like he knows you and knows how you talk. "Bro"?!Apparently this man has X-ray vision and knows that through your Burberry overcoat, Brooks Brothers wool blend suit, and Ivy education, you're wearing Dickeys no-press chinos down to your hamstrings and that your boxer shorts are pulled up to your ribs. And obviously this Superman can also see that your bitch has nicely pressed your gang bandanna that is hanging from your back pocket (you are "flyin'" your "colors" apparently). And of course he can see your stolen, crime-ridden semi-automatic "Glock." Because every black is deep down a gangbanging street thug nigger who utilizes the salutation, "Wut up?" And by using, "Wut up?" we are all in familia with solidarity. "Bro" is certainly appropriate because, apparently, black = Ebonics. Besides, we're all related anyway, right? "What up, bro" my ass.
In retort, years of practice has resulted in a studied, steady and steely-eyed, "hello" as my response because "Shut the fuck up with that, dude!" will forever be my instinctual response. In fact, my "hello" is quite uppity and curt as if I'm reaching deep down to muster any response at all--which I actually am. In the majority of these situations there is a slight tell (usually up in the eyebrow region) where one can observe Mr. Wut Up greeter re-processing all information (a psychological reset). [Was expecting "Yo, homie, how a nigga feeeel up in this mothafucka St-zar Biz-ucks?!" but received acute, "Hello."]
Pre-translation is not necessary anymore. I'm not going to rob you (or not rob you, if that's the case) because you are parroting some dumb-ass rip-off version of what you though all black people were supposed to sound like that you heard on TeeVee. Nigga please!
Likewise, black people can stop the Fronting (with the trailing "G") by not using the "Polite White Voice" whenever they want something from a white person because that's also fucking condescending. If you need to purchase some more copy paper, you can say, "Hit me up with some mo' papes, yo!" The guy at Staples will know what you want. But you don't have to pull out that fake white guy voice that Richard Pryor used every time you need something. "Hello my dear friend, perhaps I can procure some of your finest high GSM photocopier paper, if you may." Cut that shit out! Just be yourself or yo'sef. It's okay now that we have a Muslim socialist non-American president.
But also remember that there are times when you KNOW someone and it's actually fine to talk differently. There are situational determinants that dictate how you interact with people. If you're walking down the street with your grandmother and you meet some of her Church Friends you are expected to be as formal and clear and polite AND AS WHITE as you possibly can because that will impress the Church Ladies and make your grandmother feel so proud. That's your responsibility in Obama's America (and you may even get a hard candy). Likewise you go to a "house party" and are introduced as a friend and somebody passes you a bottle of Country Club Malt, you've now been given permission to blurt out--only once or twice because you'll simply be an amusement prop--"...let the motherfucker burrrrn!"
But don't "Wassup?" me at Starbucks when I'm wearing $600 shoes and ordering bougie drinks. Black is black and white is white and we're all racist as hell. Racial perception is real and normal and psychologically healthy. Quit faking like you don't see color or, worse, that you have to speak a special language to me because of my skin color. I ain't Chinese.
Quit frontin'!
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Also see: "Half-Black Attack™"
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