Quit Frontin': Conservatives Need to Quit HATING On Affirmative Action and Liberals Need to Quit INSISTING On It

Back when I went to college, back when I had my shit together, back in the late '80s, I knew exactly my route to graduation with minimal effort utilizing a route that featured plenty of time for mischief, mirth, and mayhem. Here's why: I grew up in a college town. As far as collegiate culture was concerned, I had that scene down pat, don. I already knew the ins and outs of college life from slinking around colleges since fifth grade. Plus I already knew I was much smarter than everybody else.

So when I arrived with mad hubris to the pristine campus of my very own first-tier residential university and received my orientation packet, I figured the "mandatory" invitation to attend the SAA/EOP New Student Reception was something that everybody received and that there'd be food and I was hungry. I didn't know what the SAA/EOP was since I didn't read any of my orientation packet, but I was mildly baffled that my roommate, Dave, didn't received the SAA/EOP invitation. But, still, I figured free eats was free eats. I was all about freeats at that time.

At the SAA/EOP orientation I found myself in what appeared to be more of an underground railroad safe house for the wanted coloreds than a collegiate free eats orgy. I already knew that my beautiful and exclusive tower of ivory only accepted 3.4% "African American" students (and graduated a pitiful 1.3%, but I never gave those statistics too much action because I was into the "ME" at the time). But imagine my surprise when I arrived at this reception and there we all were, in one place, a windowless basement conference room; people holding their breath with fear of discovery and deportation. "Please don't send us back!" Nigga please!

But since I was a White Actor I was certain that I didn't belong in any SAA/EOP group because I learned that that shit stood for: Student Affirmative Action/Equal Opportunity Program. I mean, why would I? I already had college down and I wrote the best application essay ever and I had a plan and I was already racially equal and I...was too fucking proud to take handouts even from this prestigious university...in that way. So I decided to opt out. Using my very best White English I said:

Ty: "Er, uh.... Excuse me? Hi. I believe there has been a mistake. I didn't sign-up for this...this [looking down at tri-fold pamphlet on table] 'student affirmative opportunity program' thing. I must be here by mistake."

SAA/EOP Coordinator: "Hi, I'm Jen! Welcome to SAA/EOP, Tyrone! [they had name tags] Don't worry at all, you were automatically enrolled, m'kay! We're so happy to have you here!"

Ty: "Huh? Why is that? What do you mean automatically enrolled?"

SAA/EOP Coordinator: "Because you are African-American, and by law all African-Americans are technically underrepresented minorities, we do the enrolling for you so we can offer you all of our services!!"

Ty: "M,kay Jen. How does one quit this thing?"

SAA/EOP Coordinator: "Quit! You can't quit SAA/EOP! We pull the names off the master files based on the race you select."

Ty: "OK, so if I select white or Asian next quarter what happens?"

SAA/EOP Coordinator: "Uh...nothing?"

Ahhhhh.... I did check that box on the application. I played my very own Ace of Spades in the sleeve and they played me back. I mean, I had correctly figured that I'd be the hot commodity as a BMOC (Black Man on Campus) and receive lots of valuable gifts and prizes (like sex and drugs and a single room) but I didn't figure that I'd be admitted to the Ivory Tower Ghetto. I wasn't admitted as "an exception" was I? I just wanted to be like the other kids; the Chads and Julies and Wen Zhengs and Elliots. And there I was with the...African-Americans, the Hispanics, and that one part Native American girl over there. Running Flower or whatever her name was.

That shit was to wrong.

By automatically enrolling every "historically underrepresented minority" into this "very special support program" that excludes the "historically overrepresented majority", the SAA program was also automatically stigmatizing everyone single one of us form day one without exception. Even Barack Hussein and Sonia Sotomayor would have been suspected as some sort of "special admit" who was really under qualified to attend but the university need a quota.

Presciently, my senior thesis (honors, biznatches!) was on "Actor and Observer Effects of Affirmative Action." In short, my research demonstrated at statistically significant levels that, for example, my very own university's SAA/EOP office arbitrarily placed every black and brown person--"the persons of color" in the Political Correctness parlance--into a Preference Condition (the actors). My research demonstrated that the remainder of the students, faculty, and staff (the observers) believed that the black and brown students, regardless of qualifications, were preferentially admitted and somehow against-all-odds retained (the observers) despite qualifications. Interestingly, and not so surprisingly, in the research both groups--actors and observers--indicated that the preferentially selected group (the actors) seemed less qualified, less intelligent, and were more resented and "undeserving." Yes, both groups felt that way. Statistically significant.

Thanks, SAA/EOP, but science doesn't lie. Liberals, I know you mean well but please stop putting me in your well-meaning ghettos of segregation because I checked a damn box; that's profiling, kids. You wouldn't want TSA to do that at the airport so don't do it at the university. I never checked the black box again. I've been "decline to state" ever since.

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On the other hand, conservatives, who are you trying to fool with your whole bullshit act called "reverse discrimination"? What?! That's total make-believe bullshit and you know it. Reverse what? Whether it's anti-abortion or anti-affirmative action, that's just an old school, desperation power-grab. Seriously, what is the largest demographic of anti-affirmative action Americans? White. Men. How can you seriously march and picket and protest about elite academic and prestigious (union) jobs being "given to less qualified candidates"? Seriously? That's less than racist, that's...that's some baby ass bullshit.

Whaaaaaahhh!!!!! I don't understand science and history!

Quit frontin'!