Before you declare me RACIST! for picking at the scabs of every little mopetarded thing that white people do, let me remind you that black people do retarded things as well = Michael Vick (at least until he wins a Super Bowl®, that is, then it's cool, right?). Also let me remind you that I'm white too. And black. And Jewish. And Filipino. So I'm the least/most racist person ever.But let me say one thing: white people steal. BREAKING NEWS! WHITE PEOPLE STEAL! They are the biggest thieves in the history of the earth. White people stole Michael Jackson. White people stole blingin' rimz. They stole the North American continent. They're trying to steal hip-hop. They're trying to steal the word "nigger". But the Very Worst thing white people have stolen, or are trying to steal (even after stealing 10 million Africans), is our hair.
[Ed. note: So-called "Jewfros" get a free pass in this argument since them Holmes' can't help themselves]
Black people have been trying to have White Hair since the beginning of time. Even Shelly and those gorgeous Obama babies have hot comb-pressed hair:
"When the comb turned red, it was time. Part. Grease. Slide the comb. Part. Grease. Slide the comb. A hair boogie of sorts, transforming woolly clumps, wiry spindles and rough waves into black satin."
I can smell that burning shit now.So, like suntanning, why are white people trying so fucking hard to look like black people? As a kid growing up in southern California going to the beach was a fucking chore since all my so-called friends had to fucking "lay out" for hours cooking themselves for some dumb reason. I was left to walk around in a fucking bedsheet so I didn't burn up and look like a ScaryBlack™. Imagine me looking like the fucking KKK at Newport Beach so I wouldn't get too damn black. As my girl, Alanis Morissette, would warble off-key, "Isn't it ironic?" Cross-country music tours were worse but, and thank G-d too, I discovered SPS 30. "Fiddy" was even better.
So hair. White people get off on copying/stealing black shit...including hair.
And to address our question of the day, why do white women look horrible with cornrows and white men look stupid with dreadlocks? Because black people look horrible with cornrows and dreads. That shit is simply ugly (individual differences). But at least there is a moderate percentage of black people who can pull 'rows and 'locks off with a semblance of style (maybe, what, 3-5%*). The percentage of white people who can pull that off? Zero!
First of all, cornrows are an African relic. It was how American SLAVE women styled their hair because Aunt Jemima could not afford to spend time nor money at a fucking salon--since they spent 18 hours picking cotton for free. That particular style kept their hair somewhat manageable and offered them a
Fucking Bo Derek! Seriously? A 10?! How insulting it is for white people to pretend to be slaves. It's like suburban moms taking their kids to pick apples and blueberries and shit; all pretending to be migrant laborers on a sunny Sunday afternoon. And PAYING FOR IT!
Axel Rose?
And dreadlocks? Dreads! Locks! The Wiki says:
"There are many reasons among various cultures for wearing locks. Locks can be an expression of deep religious or spiritual convictions, a manifestation of ethnic pride, a political statement, or be simply a fashion preference."
Fashion preference, huh? Wanna know another reason people wear locks? Because they are poor, mentally ill, drug addled, homeless, and don't have or know how to use a fucking comb.
I have seen some beautiful, hippie-inclined white girls who enter the Dead/Phish/Widespread Panic/Aquarium Rescue Unit/Gov't Mule/Leftover Salmon/moe./Rusted Root/String Cheese Incident scene then become poor, mentally ill, drug addled, homeless, and forget all about how to use a fucking comb. They call it a spiritual thing. I call it fucking disgusting. You ever smell a handful of dreads? Ever look closely? That shit's nasty, dude. From the authentic mung-style to the slick puppy dog ear style, that shit is pretty weak.*
Quit frontin'!
----------------
* Keep in mind, 3-5% of black people can pull this off.
Posts
