The Magic Texas TexBook Victory Celebration for America

How Magic Happens Pt. 3

In a comment from a previous post, Middlespace Cadet chRon from Canada, America's 51st and most desolate state*, asked me to dig into the continued manufactured madness of the whole Texas textbook controversy. Or should that be cleverly and selectively rewritten as: the Magic Texas TexBook Victory Celebration for America?

Predictably (and with a large, dramatic sigh), I've given some thought to this topic. It's not about textbooks. It's not about healthcare. It's about the children, dammit. And when a topic is important for the children, I have to act.

First off, I know people from Texas. I also know people who live in Texas; friends of mine! I've visited Texas on several occasions. In fact, I lived in Texas for a short period in my impressionable youth. So with all due respect and with no intention of generalizing or stereotyping here's what I've learned about Texas: Texas is a backwards, ignorant, defensively-inbred hellhole. And I'm serious too. Don't Mess With Texas? I'd rather mess with a seven-headed drunk, rabid, AIDS cobra.

Texas in the News: Rep. Randy Neugebauer of Texas [that's how the LA Times headlined it, not a particular district but "of Texas"] said his shrill and crazy "Baby Killer" outcry to Rep. Bart Stupak was MISTAKENLY INTERPRETED. He says he wasn't calling Stupak a baby killer but that Stupak's ideas and intentions and colleagues kill babies. Big of him to apologize, right? Once again the liberal media is trying to bring an honest man down for the deliberate use of his words.

Anyway, Don McLeroy, the conservative leader of the Texas Board of Education -- a competent dentist -- believes that "history" has skewed leftward. Because for all these years in all these United States the historic powers that be have been quietly and systematically diminishing the historical accomplishments of the white American man. Did I get his position right? Shoot me a comment if I'm off, okay?

What should heroic Tea Bag Patriots do about such mean and unjust actions? Change that shit, Don! That's what!

Some of the proposed changes to the Texas social studies and history curriculum include the following fact-based corrections (excerpted form Texas state BoE meeting minutes):

- The Constitution of the United States of America is actually the long-missing forward to the King James version of the Holy Bible as written in the American Language by God HIMself.

- Therefore separation of church and state is a liberal plot akin to the existence of dinosaurs, space, and Barack Obama's birth certificate.

- The original U.S. Capital building was a spacious golden cathedral built by angels but it was burned to the ground by histrionic black, Jewish, and female vampire devil-zombies searching for blood in 1902.

- Thomas Jefferson was a mentally retarded, black, Communist from Mars who was banished by John Wayne and Sam Houston to the two-dollar bill.

- Did You Know that Barack Obama's real father was Karl Marx, a homosexual Kenyan war criminal poet? It's as true a fact as the age of our dear planet: approximately 7,200-7,300 years old, by the way.

- It is well established that it was Ted Haggard and not Martin Luther King, Jr. who rewarded the kind men and women who participated in slavery with "Freedom®" AND invented the cotton gin so slaves were no longer needed anyhow.

- Freedom® was invented by the Halliburton corporation in 1993.

- Title IX is a Satanic plot to castrate men. If you play back a recorded version of the legislation backwards you will clearly hear references to "the creation of a new Lesbos ideal" and "I want a job too."

- Freedom® of choice is a historical reference to "the importance of personal responsibility for life choices” including suicide, violence, sexuality, drug use, and eating disorders. All of which make George Wallace cry in heaven.

- In World War II, Japanese-American citizens were offered vouchers for luxury summer camps to alleviate the stresses related to the depiction of their countrymen as "war mongering Japs" by the liberal media.

- Hispanics are the kind men and women who volunteer to pick our lettuce and clean our toilets but have opted out of American schools because they don't want to interfere with our superior way of being. They are semi-feral.

- Global warming only applies to liberals, non-sports-playing blacks under the age of 27, Jews, Mexicans, women, and "Europeans" who believe in an historical anomaly called "science." In fact, if you go into a darkened bathroom and say "science" three times you will be eaten by Dennis Kucinich's gigantic wife.

- Ronald Reagan, the founding President of the Earth, still delivers presents to the good boys and girls of the Earth on CHRISTmas eve in a rocket powered '72 Chevy Camaro powered by Dick Cheney's first two hearts.

- Mt. Rushmore is an important American monument that consists of giant carved faces of George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter Randy Neugebauer, and Don McLeroy.

- A "Muslim" is the product of an African-American and a Mexican, obviously.

Pop quiz:

Q: Why is Glenn Beck crying again?

A: Glenn Beck is crying so you don't have to.

Clearly the Civil War is unending and perpetual.
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* From The History of Everything, a new Texas TexBook.