How & Why

So yeah here we are again
where on one hand it is exactly just the very same place
as it is always (down here)
but on the other hand “the very same place”
feels uniquely vulnerable and final
each time more and more as the years progress

Had I any wherewithal I would already recognize the patterns
hows and whys vis-à-vis up and down cycles
since just beneath the thin finely cultivated veneer
lie deficiencies of heart brain and nerve
the benefits of self-awareness could have balanced against
the chronic (and repeated) toll of these tiny suicides

The very worse outcome is largely insignificant
a pebble’s ripple on some unknown pond somewhere
witnessed by no one ever
and failing to answer the two most fundamental questions
Why?
How?